Yes, that's is me now hehe^^
Oof, it's been a hot sec since I've been on here. I recently was stalking Wattpad for Vicuuri fan fiction after re-watching YOI. (who's siked for the movie this year?!?) Anyways, I forgot I ever wrote that last chapter and oh my what a throwback! I just wanted to give a little update; I doubt anyone will really read this but I'm really kinda just doing it for myself anyways. When I wrote the previous part, I was 14 and in 8th Grade. That year was definitely a turning point in my life, but I've felt with a lot more shit recently this past year or so. Writing this now, I'm going to be turning 16 next month and I'm in 10th Grade so it's been about 2 1/2 years since I wrote the original chapter.
So yeah, there's been some changes and definitely some hardships but also a lot of revelations. I guess I'll just continue where I left off! (About 1/2 way through 8th Grade)
Looking back at it now, 8th Grade seems like a really nostalgic time. I remember studying like a FREAK and definitely excelling in all my classes. I think I ended up finishing my first ever honors level Earth Science class with a 90-something average and a 97 on the NY Earth Science Regents Exam which is amazing looking back at it. I distinctly remember completely drowning myself in music at the time and it just seems like such a magical and productive, hard-working time in my life where I really wanted something and achieved it. God, is give anything for that motivation back; especially now in 10th Grade. Don't get me wrong, last year in 9th -my first year in high school- was SO easy; I almost never studied and got very high grades. It was also my first time taking more than one honors class! (I believe I took honors English, Science and Social Studies.) However, Last year was bliss compared to the classes I'm dealing with now to be honest. 10th Grade just seems on a whole different playing field than 9th. Classes are extremely difficult and some of my teachers straight up suck. This year I'm taking a collage-level AP European History and I've actually been doing not horrible considering it's my first AP class. I'm also taking IB Chem in which I have the absolute worst, grumbly, monotone teacher, yuck. IB Chem sucks though. I mean, I've been doing alright grade-wise but the workload is kind of crazy. Besides that, school's just kinda been eh. I find myself lacking motivation which is kinda sucky but as long as I'm doing well I'll be just fine. I definitely don't enjoy it as much as I used to, but I tolerate it.
Other than that, I wanted to go ahead and talk about some self-changes. The biggest change probably that has effected my life thus far since writing the original chapter was been my weight loss over this last year. Previously I wrote about my lack of self-esteem because of my body and acne but, here were are 20lbs, ombré hair, acne treatments and minor makeup skills later! I'm super proud of myself for loosing the weight and it just really changed me in a lot of ways. I can wear what I want (except for bathing suits, I don't do those.) and actually feel good about myself! Also, my teeth are nice and straight too so that's a plus. My hair is short and ombré and I like it most of the time! The breakouts I do get, I learned to cover with foundation, and learned to fill in my thin eyebrows. Overall, I'd say I'm still definitely self-conscious about a lot -especially now since I've gained a bit of weight back this winter- but I'm also pleased with myself half of the time. It's sad but true that I've even been treated differently now because of it. I'm more respected at school and even had a few ..interests. Yup, I had 2 occasions where I was interested in a person, and they were interested in me! However, "love" is still something I'm VERY uncomfortable with and just can't commit to. Every time the feeling's mutual, I end up shutting it down. I'm some ways it's sad, sure. However, I'm aware that I really appreciate my alone time and also really need time to just worry about myself and goals I have for the future. The whole area is extremely blurry and downright frustrating, but maybe it will be different in collage. As for friends, my best friend I mentioned previously and I split apart. It was my fault though; I wouldn't get off my phone and refused to pay attention to her. The whole thing kinda went downhill. Sometimes, especially these winter months, I really miss it. I miss the ice skating and Yuri on Ice shenanigans, I miss the memes and inside jokes and crafts at 2am. Do you ever just get a certain feeling inside your chest that reminds you of how you felt in a now nostalgic era of your life? That's what I feel when I listen to Yuri on Ice, feel the winter air, smell certain smells and hear certain sounds. I really miss her; but we've both changed since then. It makes me really sad sometimes. However, my old friend that I went to elementary schools with but got split up with when we attended two different High Schools is now who I can call my closest friend. We don't hangout much, usually just in school, but we text daily. She's come to me in dark times and I've ~kinda~ done the same. It's a really nice friendship and I wish I could be as good of a friend as her, but I've learned that it's not so easy for me to open up. Honestly, I think I'm afraid of commitment. For example, I hATE hanging out with people; even if we're friends. I used to make plans, but always ended up canceling. Now, I just shut it down before it happens; like what I did with my 2 interests. Anyways, she's basically the only person I feel as is I'm similar to ever. We share a lot of the same qualities, and a lot of the same drawbacks. She really is the most creative, eloquent and kindest person I've ever met. I really do value our friendship. Other than that I have maybe 1 or 2 other friends and then a few acquaintances but that's pretty much it; I'm not really one for friends, as much as I do hate it sometimes.
So yeah, other than that I've had my share of struggles more recently. I've had several spells of self-harm, and urge I kinda turn to when I'm angry or frustrated, weather it be school or life related. Nothing to serious, sometimes I just cave into a bad week though and feel absolutely and utterly depressed for 3-4 days. I loose all motivations for activities I normally love and usually go through a binge eating cycle; something I've been struggling with more recently since I gained around 7lbs this winter so far. I just hoping I'll be able to burn it off later this spring when I'll be more active and not stuck in the freezing cold. I definitely don't have any mental issues though, just kinda a bad coping mechanism sometimes. Of course I'd never self-diagnose.
I feel like I'm having and increased grasp on the world recently. I'm among collage plans and am actually visiting some down south this February break. They all look great so I'm pretty excited to see if one of them has what I'm looking for. More currently, after my tour of Cornell University, I wanted to really push myself for a hard collage but honestly the more I think about it, I don't want more work. I figured that the one thing I'm really chasing is happiness. So, I'm going to go to the school that I "vibe" with the most. Some place I can get a good, quality degree in a great pre-vet program but also enjoy my collage years! I'm kind of excited to be honest for what my future holds. Guess I'm just gonna have to update again if I ever do find this that is.
I wish I could write a little more but my battery is running low so I'm gonna cut it off here. Maybe I'll text my old friend after this, who knows? Anyways, until next time I rediscover this!
-P
