Journal || Be More Chill/Dear Evan Hansen

Four: Boyfriend

Journal Entry: Four, 20xx

Okay

is a word that doesn't describe how i'm feeling.

How I feel?

Sad.

Helpless.

Broken, maybe.

I lost him.

I lost Michael.

To a boy I never knew existed.

It's not like i'm jealous or anything, i'm just upset.

I mean, what did i expect?

For him to like me back?

For this whole thing to be a giant cliche with a happy ending?

 I wish.

I wish i confessed before he did.

I wish I could've told him.

If I could tell him, it'll make me feel better.

It'll help me get the weights off my ass.

Michael? 

No, not at all.

He'll be stuck and confused.

I can see it now;

'Jeremy, I have a boyfriend! You really think i'll leave him for you? You're just a friend to me! Besides, he's way better than you'll ever be.'

. . .

Okay, maybe not that, but you get the picture.

He'll never try to hurt me.

Yet I hurt him all the time and he deals with my shit.

I hate myself.

I hate myself for hurting him.

I hate myself for liking him.

I hate myself because i'm me.