Personal Poetry

Trying

Trying

"I just want you to know, I'm trying".

Your words sting in my head as I sit here wondering if there was anything I could do to make you love me.

"I can't love you until I love myself".

Yes this is true, but you can at least try. Try. Try at least once to fit me into your schedule.

You never seemed to have any room for me, yet I was always making room for you.

Calling you, not being able to breathe because of thinking that I had done something wrong... Just for your excuses to feel like everything I needed to hear.

Your constant apologies made me want to believe that maybe, just maybe, I will start to see a change.

Yet deep down I knew that it was one too many apologies to just brush away.

You caused me to believe in stability.

Maybe you were the first guy to stick around since middle school.

Maybe I actually thought I wouldn't have to worry about you leaving.

Anytime we would have a falling out through the years, we always would somehow make our ways back into each other's lives.

Did you take me for granted?

Did I open my body to someone who took my whispered moans for granted?

This wouldn't be the first time this happened of course, just never thought it would happen with you.

In the beginning I felt so special.

I felt like you actually wanted to invest your time with mine.

I thought you wanted to become one... And maybe you did, but everything changed so quickly.

The night everything changed was the night I licked your fingers clean of my body.

We joked about having sex and then the jokes turned into my head being pushed back and forth against your backseat door.

That soreness I felt the following day will never relate to my emotional soreness when you took me to the side of the hallway to break things off.

Why did everything change after that night? I can't help but wonder.

Did you get what you wanted, then lost interest?

Or worse, did you get nothing of what you wanted?

You seem so content with giving up on us.

It kinda feels like those years of feeling fond, honey-like thoughts of you was only one-sided.

It always hurts how you said, "Don't get me wrong I still care about you, but..." But what?

If you sincerely cared for me like you claim you do, then try.

But that always seemed to be the hardest thing for you.

"I just want you to know I'm trying..."

You just weren't trying hard enough, I guess.