Hard Love (On Hiatus)

Chapter 4

Glimmer's POV (finally someone else)

My eyes opened slowly, when I felt something soft against my face. I sit up and rub my eyes, I realize that I'm in a bed. I look to my right and I see another person is sleeping next to me. My mom. I sit up straight, trying to remember what happened before I got in this bed.

I take the blanket that has shielded me from the cold room off, and sit to the side of the bed. I see slippers in front of me. I slide them on because the floor is super cold. I stand up and walk to the kitchen.

I feel dead inside. Like someone just yanked out my heart stepped all over it and rammed it back into my chest. I feel lost, overwhelmed, and just sad. Correction, depressed.

My dad was supposed to come home after this last trip. He was supposed to come home and stay home. This was supposed to be his last trip. But what had to happen? God, had to cut my dad's life short. God, wanted my dad back early, and left me and my mom alone, and unprepared.

What am I supposed to do now? Am I supposed keep all these emotions inside and then lash out on my mom and friends a month from now, like in the movies? Am I supposed commit suicide?

No. I'm not supposed to do that. If I did that, I would just be selfish. My mom just my lost my dad she doesn't need to lose me too. That would crush her. How would my dad feel if I did that? If he saw me early?

Happy? Sad? Disappointed? Upset? Angry? Would he hate me after?

I will never know, and I don't want to know. Lashing out on my mom would also make things worse. I think it would also hurt her, because to have to already healed from this depressing event and then hear that your daughter has been hiding all of her emotions, and experiencing everything she's held back, is also not fair.

But, then again life isn't fair.

I'm downstairs on the couch in the living room, watching cartoons and eating ice cream out of the tub.

My mom always buys a tub of ice cream because "You never know when you're going to go through your first breakup." I don't even have a boyfriend, and most likely never will. So I don't understand why my mom buys ice cream but, it is a nice snack sometimes when I'm down.

I just wish I never had to eat any ice cream, because I never want to have to be cheered up. I just want to always be happy, like everyone else. Will I ever be happy again? Or will I just become a depressed high schooler?

I want to be happy. Have a boyfriend. Experience the feelings that love brings. I want all of those things. But will I ever get them? Will I ever have them? I don't know anymore. I just want to stay in a dark room and never come out. Maybe I could try cutting my wrists. No. That's another thing that would hurt my mom. Ugh! What am I supposed to do?! I don't feel like talking nor do I feel like expressing my feelings!!

Okay Glimmer calm down. Take nice deep breaths. In, out, in, out, in, out. Ooooo, okay much better.

I'm just going to go back to bed with mom and-

"Oh, hey honey." My mom says just on time. She says it so........monotonous, it's scary.
"Hey mommy," I haven't called my mom 'mommy' in like, six years.
"I see you're eating our 'feel better ice cream', huh?" My mom says. "Yeah I am, I don't feel so happy so.."
She just nods. Since when has having a conversation with my mom become so awkward?
"Well I'm going to go take a shower and I want you to change we're going to go out." My mom says it as if she's trying to make going out sound fun. "Okay." I reply and get up to go put up the ice cream when mom pulls me into a hug. I hug her back so tight I'm pretty sure I'm suffocating her. But I don't care, then tears start spilling out from the corners of my eyes and I wish they'd stop but they just keep coming. My mom starts stroking my hair and whispers "It's going to be okay sweetie," and I just hug her even tighter if that's even possible. After staying like this for about 2 minutes I finally let go so she can go take a shower. "I love you mommy," I semi-yell as she goes up the stairs, and she turns around to blow me a kiss and says "I love you too sweetie." Then she turns and disappears into our second floor. I wonder where we're going to go. Hopefully somewhere that can let my mind take a break from all of this mess.