Beauty Is An Agonizing Pain

stay alive: a slam poem

stay alive: a slam poem

I'm told to stay alive.
But in all honesty,
To wake up every day,
Feeling heavy as lead,
Lead that could sink me down to the bottom of an ocean's floor.
Isn't something I want to do.
My actions are claimed as selfish and self-loathing.
My actions are not selfish.
For me to explain all the shit that has been inflicted on me would take hours upon hours.
Even then you wouldn't understand.
I am not selfish.
I am taking out myself before a greater catastrophe occurs.
I'm ending the fight before it starts.
I'm ending the suffering even before it begins.
You don't know what it takes to survive.
To wake up every day and force yourself out of bed.
But.
Despite you and I.
Despite what we both think.
I'm still here.
I'm staying alive,
Not for you or anyone else,
But for me.
Because I'm curious about what happens next in my life.
I'm fighting through the pain.
Whether if I am alone or not.
I will fight and continue to fight.
I may not like it and sometimes will want to give up.
But I won't stop.
Why?
Because for the first time in years,
I want to stay alive.

a.b.