like hell

Chapter 1

Good behavior. That’s what this was. Staring down at a silver square plate that consisted of brown mush, saltines, and room temperature tap. This was my reward for good behavior. After months of complying, taking my meds, and staying quiet when I wanted to scream, I was written off for having this so called “good behavior”. But the more that phrase crossed my mind the more unreal of a term it really seemed. Like all things in my life I guess.

But despite the less appetizing and probably unedible meal before me, I was happy. Happy because my meal wasn’t slid under the door in the pitch black, happy because when I heard a voice nearby it wasn’t the sad realization of it just being in my head. Because this was the goal on my slow and lethargic mission to good behavior: being released from solitary confinement. And as I sipped on my stale water with the rim of the thin paper cup almost soggy against my lips, I couldn’t help but feel a little pleased with my accomplishments.

“No, no! Shut up, n-not now!”

I turned to my left at the voice beside me, a frown forming on my face as I overlooked the lanky man as he tried desperately to cover his ears.

“Bunny, keep it down. If the guards hear you yelling at the voices they’re gonna throw you back in, you know what happened last time..” I explained to him gently.

He shuddered in his seat, scratching at his arms while he looked at me with wide worried eyes. “I-I know, I know G-Gracey.. They just keep talking and, I-I dunno” he stuttered out. I watched him while he rocked back and forth on the bench, peering over his shoulder every now and then to get a glance at the guards. If he got any more anxious then it wasn’t going to turn out well for him.

“Hey, cut it out. Sit still freak”.

A guards first warning. Which meant the next one wasn’t gonna be any nicer.

“I said sit still freak!”

“P-please! Leave me alone please! I c-can’t help it!” Bunny wailed, his body now violently rocking back and forth. The guard came out of nowhere in the corner of my eye, appearing behind Bunny, and the moment my eye caught a glance at the taser in his hand I turned my head as quick as I could. But when the taser reached Bunny there was nothing I could do to not know it was happening, the sounds of his screams and the zap from the taser was just enough as the guards dragged him away.

Closing my eyes for a moment I let everything slide away, letting out a slow breath as the moment evaporated like swallowing a dry pill; slowly and painfully. I dropped my face into my hands while I looked down at my half empty cup of water. Even if things started out good, it would always turn out bad some way. This place was a perfect example of that. When I came in they wouldn’t stop preaching about there being hope, that no one was excluded from it and help was always going to be available to us. But it didn’t take long to learn that it was all just bullshit. There was no hope. At all. We’re all just as insane as when we came in, lots of us even worse. And now look at Bunny, a good morning and a good afternoon just for it to end with more pain and suffering. No one to soothe his cries, no one to dull his pain, just a straight jacket and some drugs to aid in all of his problems. And somehow, my cup looked even emptier…

I wanna leave.

Stop. Not now I don’t wanna hear it.

I shoved the thought away as quick as it came and as hard as it tried to linger. The one thing these drugs couldn’t fucking get rid of. And for someone who’s been here 5 years you’d wonder why I had those thoughts anyways.

Pushing the thought even further back I finished off the last of the mush and crackers on my plate and swiftly slid off of the bench; it was probably best for me to be somewhere else now, somewhere where my thoughts couldn’t bug me..