It's a hard feeling to describe, abandonment. As if no words hold enough truth to the pain aching in my chest. A internalized self hatred that materilized into everything I did, I was merely a vesile for self doudt to nestle in, to thrive and flourish inside the deep depths of my mind.
For what words hold the capacity to describe such a pain? Surely none tucked away in the vocabulary of a six year old.
The only words ringing in my ears were vile repeats that seemed to deafen me with each blow. Each memory jabbing my ear like a freashly sharpened knife, digging in until finally the words become so loud it all turns silent.
It's difficult to understand why some words leave the lips of the ones we love, especially cruel words, words meant with the intent to sting more so than any poison. It was almost to difficult to grasp.
My mind still couldn't distinguish reality from fiction and a part of me still belived this was a a bad dream. That in a couple seconds I will be awakened by my mom with a cooling rag placed over my head and a gentle kiss on my temple.
But the bitter cold was a dark reminder that my reality shattered the minuet my mother swallowed those little candies
The only consept I could seem to grasp was that I was freezing, tired, and all alone with no idea on where I am or even who I was?
Who even am I? Such a deep and almost folish questions to ask, yet I had utterly no clue.
If it was under any other circumstances, I would be in complete awe of the city around me, for my mother was always protective and it was very rare for us to travel this deep into the city, yet the loaming skyscrapers which seemed so godly before, casted a cold and lifeless shadow upon the dark streets of Japan.
However, the city seemed to glow under the rain, yet it gave off no heat, no remorse for a orphaned child. The people, too immersed in their own selfish problems, briskly walked past me, only one of the many people spared me a glance.
Although desperate for help, I couldn't create a good enough story to explain what had caused me to roam the streets alone, for how does one word, " my mother killed herself because my father was apparently a very bad man,"
Those words seem rather off-putting when coming out of the mouth of a little girl, so perhaps it was good that humans were so greedy, at least till my mind clears
The further I walked the further the bright lights seemed to simmer down, and the giant buildings turned to giant fences, encircling houses that hold such luxury that I feel almost like a rat wiggling its way through the cracks in the wall, which I'm sure all the people in the neighborhood would agree with
We've never had much money, my momma was a good person, but she was too sick to ever maintain a sufficient job and my father was never around so this life style I have just aquaried isn't so different from the one I left behind
Due to my unfortunate circumstances, I never was able to attend my first year of school, but I was no idiot.
I had enough sense to know that it was useless to walk about the streets of the wealthy. I'll die here and be swept away to the gutters, pushed away till I eventually rot away, and no one will even remember my name.
It hurt, it hurt so much. The thought of being forgotten, the relazation that no one will care
I never had much of a childhood, my mom couldn't take care of me so I had to grow up fast, yet, for the first time in my life, I see myself for what I truly am.
A child.
And I have no idea what I'm going to do.
Perhaps I'll cry?
Yes, that seems like a good idea.
The tears stung my eyes, I can't remember the last time I cried. It felt nice.
I lifted my head towards the sky, sticking out my tounge, allowing the droplets of rain to wash away my fears
I've never felt the rain before...
I've never felt...the rain before?
I begin crying more, slowing lying down, my hair sticking to my face and neck as I cry, this time it doesn't feel nice.
It burns
I choke and heave as I lie down on the cold pavement.
Is this what freedom is?
I don't like it...
"Hello?"
-------------------------------------
Remember when I said I was disconnecting this bad boy? Me too.
But I realized, some people still like this book and I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty shit, so your boy is back and is editing this so that's fun
I can't promise creating extra chapters that weren't here before, but I will make all the old chapters real nice
Thank you all for reading and much love dads ♥️🥰
