Stargirl

28

I always heard of the stages of grief, but I'd never experienced them first hand until Cathleen passed away.

Of course, I was heartbroken when Cathleen passed away, but my grief couldn't compare to Ryder's grief.

The first night was hard, we didn't make it home until six in the morning because we had to talk to funeral directors and hospital personnel. It was hard to get Ryder to sleep, he couldn't stop crying or saying that he couldn't believe she was gone.

My heart hurt for Ryder and I didn't know how to help him, but I tried my best. I went to the meetings with the funeral director, to pick out a casket, and with providing meals.

Two days after her death, Ryder's extended family began coming into town. I learned that his Mom had five sisters, which meant Ryder had fourteen first cousins on his Mom's side alone.

The first time, I'd seen Ryder smile in those forty-eight hours is when we met two of his cousins' kids. I think they were a good way to get Ryder's mind off of things even if it was temporary.

But after denial came anger.

I opened the door to the bathroom to see Ryder crying on the floor. His hair was wet, his towel was around his waist, but his fist was bleeding and the mirror was broken.

"Oh, Ry." I mumbled as I threw my crutches to the side

I sat down on the cold marble floor, grabbed an old beach towel, and scooted myself next to Ryder. I wrapped his hand in the towel and his head fell on my shoulder.

"I never got to say goodbye!" He sobbed, "I fucking hate myself for it, I should have known that she wasn't okay. I hate her for not telling me that she wasn't okay!"

I hushed him, "Ryder, you do not hate her. You hate the cancer that took her away from you."

"Just when I started to believe in a God, my Mother is gone." Ryder began, "Where is God? Why didn't he protect me, why didn't he protect her?"

Ryder never ever talked about his spiritual life. I always thought it was because he wasn't brought up like that but Ryder did believe in something. But I'd read up on grief and the anger stage was something to be let out, not kept in.

"I'm sick of people bringing in food and laughing and smiling like everything is okay. Nothing is okay!" He yelled, "I hate myself for being like this. I feel sick, angry, and upset. I don't even know why you're still here."

I stroked his hair, "You've been through a lot, Ryder. Your ex-manager abused you, you were forced to break up with me, you found out your Mom had cancer, you had shit held over your head, I could have died in a car accident, and your Mom died, Ryder. You've been taking hits back to back, you have a reason to feel like this."

Ryder sat up and turned towards me.

I used the hand that wasn't holding the bloody rag to wipe his tears.

"I'm still here because I'm in love with you. I would go to hell and back for you, Ry and I know you would do the same for me" I began, "I'm never leaving you, you're my best friend. I'd do anything to give you some happiness."

He was silent and just stared at me.

I wish I could protect you from anything.

"Do you think less of me right now?" Ryder wondered

I shook my head, "Not at all, wouldn't you let me know if you were thinking less of me? You would and I would do the same."

"Get in bed, I'll pop some popcorn, we'll watch a movie, and go find a new bathroom mirror in the morning." I began, "Let's wrap your hand first."