truth&lies | yusol

❥snippet

the guy i hated the most was sitting next to me

》you're the same as me, aren't you?《,

he asked

grey sadness coloured his bruised face

through his words swam in loneliness, pain and bitter humor

the weight of it didn't quite hit me yet but I subconsciously knew the answer

i knew it before he even asked but now it slowly scratched the surface of my mind even though I buried it deep down, hoping it would just rot and disappear forever

every thought about it was one too much I told myself

deny it till your lies turn into reality I said

the pain will eventually fade and maybe even happiness will find its way into my soul I consoled

with every word I lost more and more trust towards myself until nothing but a deceptive shadow of who I used to be, who I truely was, was the only thing remaining

i didn't notice how I hesitantly nodded at first but then couldn't stop shaking my head violently in denial while one tear after another escaped and scared my face with a wet trail as proof of the pain my conflicted soul had to endure for way too long

i tried to form words

i tried to clean up the mess I just made and rebuild the solid walls around me so my facade would last

too late I laughed at my pathetic self

my voice just cracked and was choked up by my heavy breathing and sobs

every attempt failed

i couldn't believe how much I just embarrassed myself

where was that incredible amount of self control I relied on for so many years?

how could I betray myself like this?

my lungs tried their best but it just felt like I needed more air than they could ever pump through my body

I wouldn't mind suffocating just to get out of this situation but I had to admit that I would prefer a more comfortable death

frozen were my limbs when every bit of me tensed up as it cried out for oxygen

after a few almost painful seconds my lungs finally filled themselves up hastily

i knew this was the moment where paths parted and depending on which way I was gonna choose my life would take a huge turn either for the better or the worse

i would find out

if I would hang on a little longer

just a bit

maybe I would witness a better reality for myself