Sometimes, they’re quiet, although they’re so clearly there. I can see them in front of me, behind me, on my left, on my right. Even without my glasses and only with my terrible eyesight I see their faces. Sometimes staring back at me, other times having their backs towards me. And I feel so alone, so lonely.
When they’re silent I’d get worried; Have I done something wrong? What have I done? Did I say something? Are they mad at me? What else can I do better? What can I say to make things better? What can I do to make things right again?
When they stare, I get anxious. I’d scan myself, up and down, down and up, trying to find something wrong with myself. Why are they staring, where are they staring.
When they ignore me, I question my worth. I’d ask myself if I have anything more to offer. Am I not enough?
When they tell me what is wrong, I’d fix it. I’d bend over backwards, on the drop of a hat, I’d try to correct myself. Chin a little higher up, breathe in a little more, stand a little straighter. A little comment, a little critique, I’d take it wholeheartedly and patch up my flaws. Whatever it takes, whatever that doesn’t kill me, I’d do it.
Because otherwise, I’d die if the silence persists.
Sometimes, they’re noisy. All at once they’ll scream and shout at me. From every corner of my eyes, something is wrong.
Every face, upset.
Every voice, disappointed.
Every glance, piercing, dirty and judgmental.
When they’re screaming all at once, I cannot hear them well. All the words seems to jumble up into static. All the notes blend into an ill-tuned choir. My eardrums would beg my hands to save them from their potential demise, but I couldn’t have heard them, among the hundreds of other shriekings tunneling through the canals. And my head would start to throb, my brain pulsating against my skull.
Still, it would’ve been fine, until I insist on catering to each and every screaming voice. How selfish of me, to sacrifice my ears to stab my heart.
I’d tune-in to one voice at a time, a soprano, an alto, or a tenor. Whichever my heart desires, I’d pick and choose, and I’d listened. Like a silly little child I listened to them sing. I’d remember their lyrics.
Aren’t you a little too big for this
Oh you’re nothing more than this, aren’t you?
You know you’re done for if you can’t even do something simple like answering questions correctly, right?
Well isn’t someone a one-trick-pony.
How dare you say what you’ve just said.
If you don’t get into that school, you might as well go out and start working.
You know you should start to work out right?
Oh who’s getting married?
Oh you just graduated?
You want to turn down what job now?
Where are you going with this?
I could let myself be numb from all of it. I could tune myself out and let the voices bounce off my body, without a single care in the world. I could stop caring about all of it.
Except, I do.
I should be better. I should fit in. I should be the same as all the others. I could do it, if I try. Even when I fail, I should try, just harder the second time round. Or a third time, and a fourth. Eventually I will succeed. I know it. It has worked before.
I listened to all the voices, take down notes, formulate plans and strategies to mould myself into the better person I could be. I know I can be. So I will be.
Believe, and you will succeed. Isn’t that what people say? Try, and try again, and one day you’ll make it. That’s what I heard.
Trying. That’s what I’ve always been doing. Trying.
Trying to stay afloat, trying to take a breath, trying to stay ahead, trying to keep up, trying to pick myself up and continue to push on.
I wonder how many years has it been since I’ve just… be.
I don’t know; it feels like a lifetime away.
Now, the hundred voices continues to ring into my head. Listening to one, creates another into the lot. Pleasing one, offends another. Fighting one, outrages two others.
Every action taken, the voices grew louder, and louder they go even when I thought they couldn’t have gone louder.
A hundred voices chiming together felt like a thousand needles stabbing into my ears, piling onto each other and pushing their tips deeper and deeper into my brain, filling in my lungs, piercing through the failing organs and straight into my heart.
It’s a fragile thing, the heart, I discovered. It doesn’t need much to break it.
But I will be strong, I will prevail.
So I clench my fists, shut my eyes, hold my breath, braving against the force of thundering sounds by sheer willpower. I believed that if I’d stay put, stay anchored for long enough, the voices would die down, and a path would materialize in front of me and I’d step onto it with my head held high, collecting my well-deserved reward.
But it never did stop. And like a fool I stood as judgments etch into my blistering skin, scratching them raw, drawing blood. I bite my lips, telling myself to wait a little longer, just a little bit more.
And, it stopped.
The tips of my ears rest against surfaces with warmth and softness I never knew they could feel.
And, silence.
All at once my heart stopped hurting, my breath stopped hitching. My ears stopped pleading for their lives. There’s only air, and silence.
Has it ended, finally?
My eyes flew open, discovering the truth behind the peace I’m feeling, and saw not a light, nor a glowing pathway urging me to step on. Instead, I see a man, with his long, slender limbs extended and hands cupped on my own two ears.
His plump lips curl upwards, forcing his eyes into sparkling chocolate crescents.
He made not a single audible sound, but his words I understood completely from his lips.
“Listen only to yourself.”
Looking into his eyes and him looking into mine, I let myself drown in the welcomed silence.
Strange, how silence can be different. There is no doubt, no worries, no anger, no despair. Instead, it is just what it is: quiet.
I begin to hear my heart beating. Dub, dub, dub. Steady. A calm, beating drum. Dub, dub, dub.
I hear air being drawn into me, and air being released back into the atmosphere. I feel it’s chilliness brush against my insides, warming up in my body, then retrace its steps and bids my lips a warm farewell before disappearing into oblivion.
Peace, so this is what it feels like. A unique piece of music that only I can hear.
His thumb caresses my scarred cheek, and smiles a heartfelt, sincere smile for one final time. Then, eyes and arms dropping he stepped to one side, disappearing into the angry mob around me.
And I was alone once more, on my battle against my world.
I look them each in the eyes, still seeing the hate and hearing the dissatisfaction.
I could listen to them. I could fix myself. “Be better,” they tell me.
But I was already better.
So I reach both hands out in front of me, and parted the sea, and march to my own rhythm, listening to a song only I could hear.
