It's like cake : thoughts from a brokengirl

Cake For Thoughts

I can't understand why he keeps hurting me ... he's suppose to ease the pain yet he brings more .. I gave him everything... I gave him all of me yet it feels nothing is good enough.
he shits on me as if I'm nothing sometimes  ... and gets upset at me as if I'm the one in the wrong when he cause most of the issues ... he gets upset at me  for my reaction to his fuck ups.
he'll tell me he loves me a million times just to hurt me as if he's never even said it ... sometimes I think he won't be happy until I'm dead ... until I'm really gone for good ... sometimes I feel like being dead then I'll for sure not give him a chance to come back .... I won't have the opportunity to.
nobody understands the love I have for him not even him because all he does is abuse it like love means nothing to him .. I've lost everything ... I don't get to wake up and say goodmorning to my own mom and dad ... but don't get me wrong they are here on this earth with me ... nobody understands the pain of loosing somebody and their not dead ... yet he was peace to that pain because he understands.
it's just now...  I feel so unwanted by someone who use to make me feel so special ... thats pain that can never be explained ... that's a pain that there is no drug for ... an ever lasting pain.
I cry at night and blame myself as if I'm the whole problem ... when I had nobody he was there but it feels like he only came to remind me later on how it feels once again to have nobody at all ... nobody will ever understand want it feels like to feel like you mean nothing to somebody you would lay your life down for.
I could forgive him for big mistakes and he'd make me feel so low for little mistakes of my own .
how can you go from talking to someone every second of the day to just speaking to them for some Hours every once in the blue moon ... how could you lay down with someone and ignore them after like they were nothing but quick pleasure ... how could you show someone the world and just snatch it all back.
why come in someone's life and leave so much meaning on them just to walk away ... and pop back up every now and then to make them think you love them ...  at a point in time this boy mean't so much to me ... he still does just everything felt so different and I'm sure I had to mean the same to him ... he treated me like no other ... and had a way with words that he could wipe any tear from my eye.
I'd do anything to make him love me again like he use to and it's sad because I was never like this before ... I was fine before I met him you'd think I'd be fine after him too but no ... he took a piece of my heart that I wouldn't even be able to hand to another nigga if I wanted to.
they say relationships aren't perfect ... that you go through some good some great some bad some terrible ... so I try to hold onto us and never let go ... mama always said you have to fight for the things you want most in life ... but I can't fight for something the next person don't want ... we have to both want it ... and he tells me he wants it ... he shows he wants it sometimes but then again sometimes he can act like I never meant anything to him.
when were doing good and on top of the world I say ... look at God .... but when he's acting a fool ... I'm quick to blame the devil ... it's funny ... sometimes I don't know if God's telling me to fight for us or if God's trying to show me he's not the one .. sometimes I don't know if the devil sent him to distract me or try's to pull him away from me to hurt me.
I'm broken from multiple things but when I'm with him none of it matters he can make me smile on my worse days if he try's but then again sometimes he hurts me so much more and makes everything feel worse.
it's like cake ... sometimes he can be the icing to cover up the cake ... the cake is my pain ... and we know icing makes everything about the cake better  but on the other hand .. sometimes he can be the cherry on top of the cake ... we know cherry's top everything off.
it's hurting me he's hurting me ... And people will be so quick to say walk away .. I wish it was that easy ... sometimes I feel bad for just doing me because it wasn't always hell with him ... he was there a lot when nobody was then again it doesn't give him the right ... to do me however.
I'm tired of hurting ... it's more than him hurting me .... but he's the thing that matters the most ... he's the cherry and the icing to my cake .... but to him ... I don't even know what I am ... I do want to know ... I want to know now ... But I probably never will ... I can't keep crying but then again I can't stop crying.
love can hurt so bad but love can feel so good .
I don't even know what to know anymore.
I'm lost , hurt , and confused.
I don't deserve to feel like this.
Nobody knows the truth behind us nobody knows the things we had to overcome and bear with.
maybe I don't understand how he may feel ... but he doesn't try to make understand ...
How do you go about this ... I don't want to loose someone that means so much to me .... I worked so hard for this ...  but I don't want to hold onto someone who doesn't want to be kept ... then again I can only tell how I feel .... I can only tell what I think ...
I can never truly tell the next persons feelings but I can tell how I feel .
I just don't know anymore .
It's cake for thoughts .