SHINEE's dream girl

Chapter Thirty-One

  The boys part with Minho, a lot of hugs and ear pulling take place. I'm too miserable to say a final goodbye, so instead I lock myself in the bathroom to take a shower.

I hear the front door close and I know that he has left. As the water from the shower head falls, I can't distinguish the running water and my own tears. They seem to become one as the droplets fall from my face onto the tub.

I sit down and hug my knees to my chest. The warm water feels comforting to me. I push my hair from my face and look up. I focus on the feeling, I focus on the sound, I focus on the smell of the water as it pricks at my skin.

I'm numb.

That's the worst feeling of all.

If your angry, you have a reason. If your happy, you have a reason. But if your numb, then there is no reason. No reason to be happy, no excuse to be angry, and no energy left in you to be upset.

That's what I feel.

After my shower I dress myself in sweatpants and a t-shirt. I don't even have the strength in my arms to put my hair in a pony tail, so I leave it loose. I leave the bathroom and Jonghyun and Onew are in the living room playing a video game. When they see me they invite me over to play, but I just nod my head no. When I get to my dorm I find a sticky note on the door.

I know you don't want to speak now, but when your ready, I'm here for you - Taemin

I take the sticky note and put it on the counter. I'm not in the mood to deal with him right now.

I stop. I go back to the note.

"Why now?" I say out loud to no one. On my bed lies the panda Taemin gave me. I look at the panda and remember the day it was given to me. My first kiss with Taemin took place in a photo booth. I remember it clearly.

I go to turn off my lamp and when I do I see an envelope on the nightstand. I sit up right on the bed and flip the envelope over in my hands. Maybe Minho wrote me a letter.

I open it and pull out a strip of photos.

I feel my cheeks burn and my eyes water when I see myself in Taemin's arms. Its weird to see yourself kissing someone. The first picture is my shocked face when he grabbed my shoulders, in the second were locking lips but my eyes are open and he's holding my face. In the third I'm actually holding him to me and my eyes are closed. The last picture takes my breath away, my back is turned to him, it must have been when I ran out. But what really takes me by surprise is his pose.

His hand is extended towards me, and his face shows despair.

I left him standing alone. After I accepted his kiss.

No wonder he was different towards me after, I guess I just didn't see it from his point of view.

I put the strip on the nightstand as well as the envelope. I wrap my arms around my panda and find comfort in its soft fur.

I almost don't get up when the alarm sounds. I feel so weak and dizzy, but there's work to do. I clean myself up quickly and go straight to the boys dorm. When I enter I notice socks on the floor, which can only belong to Taemin, the video game controllers haven't been put away and food crumbs are all over the floor.

"Jonghyun and Onew" I mutter to myself.

I start to pick up the socks when I'm startled by a voice

"What are you doing?" Taemin leans on the wall of the hallway with a toothbrush in his mouth.

I remember the picture strip and am unable to answer.

He sighs and comes to take the socks from me, I make a sound to protest but he points his toothbrush at me and I freeze.

"Ah, ah, no cleaning for you today, we don't have schedule today so we're taking it easy"

He looks at me but I just keep my head down.

"I advice you to do the same" he says with a sad tone, and walks back to his room. I stand in the middle of the living room, my thoughts floating around like a worthless fart.

How am I going to survive the following weeks?

I honestly don't know.