I'm sitting on the couch, curled up under a blanket while watching some random Christmas movie. It's getting to be that time of day, when Alex would come home angry about something at work.
He would take it out on me. He always takes it out on me.
I don't even know why I stay with him. I love him, I really do, but I shouldn't. Why love someone that puts me through so much pain? I don't think he even loves me. He says he does... but he sure doesn't act like it.
He always apolgizes when he's a little too rough with me. I think he really does feel sorry. But he never changes, he always just does the same thing over again.
I flinch a little as the door slams open. Alex is extremely angry tonight.
"Hey Lex," I choke out, offering him a spot on the couch. Maybe I can loosen his mood tonight.
Like that would ever happen.
"Get up," Alex demands through his clenched teeth. I can tell he is trying to hold back, but that's never worked for him. I stand up right away and take a huge gulp.
"You didn't mow the fucking lawn!" He yells, grabbing my wrist and tightening his grip. I'm taller than him, but he's much more muscular, which gives him a huge advantage.
"I-it's so cold outside, Alex," I reply, voice shaking with fear. Alex usually isn't as angry as he is tonight.
He pulls me by the wrist, I can already feel a bruise forming. He slams me down onto the couch, pulling his shirt off frantically and throwing it across the room. "Get undressed," he mutters. I follow his instruction, pulling my shirt off, followed by my sweatpants and boxers.
"I want you so fucking bad, Barakat," he says angrily. I force a smile, but I know he sees the fear in my eyes. He doesn't care, though. He pulls off his own pants, stroking himself for a moment before walking over to me.
"Suck it, Jack," he says, not really giving me a choice as he pulls on my hair. He forces his dick into my mouth, all the way to the base, causing me to gag.
I push on his hips to try and pull off, but there's no use. His strong arms force my head to stay still while he thrusts into my mouth and throat, moaning and throwing his head back.
By now there are tears rolling down my cheeks, but Alex seems not to notice. I try making noise. "Shut the fuck up," he demands, eyes rolled back in ecstacy as he thrusts impossibly further down my throat.
I gag again, trying desprately for air when Alex finally pulls out.
I gasp shakily, trying to catch my breath. Alex forces me onto my stomach, and I know what's next. He climbs on top of me and lines up with my entrance before gripping onto my hips and thrusting in.
I scream in pain, but Alex seems to block it out. He continuously thrusts in and out, and it's no use but I beg him to stop anyways.
"Alex, y-you're hurting me," I choke out between sobs. He ignores me, thrusting in all the way and I can almost taste blood.
"A-alex, please!" I cry, clawing at the couch cushion and trying desperately to get away from him.
He reaches up and wraps his fingers around my neck. He's a little gentle at first, but not for long as he begins to squeeze my throat, moaning loudly as he continues thrusting.
By now I'm coughing and choking on sobs. I desperately try to pry his hands off of me, but he just tightens his grip.
His face is in ecstacy, and either he doesn't notice my tears or he just doesn't care. I'm hoping for the first one, though.
"Alex-" I choke out. He doesn't hear me, instead he yells my name, thrusting deep into me once more as I feel him cum inside of me. I feel so dirty, although I know it isn't my fault.
He finally pulls out, releasing my neck from his grip as he rolls onto his back next to me. I stand up on shaky legs, wincing at the incredible pain.
"Where you going, babe?" he asks sweetly, eyes still closed.
"G-getting water," I choke out shakily. I don't look at him, limping past him and into the kitchen.
I fill a glass with cold water, swallowing it down in large gulps despite the pain in my throat. I'm still naked and shaking.
I set down the empty glass on the counter as I let out tremendous sobs. I cover my face with my hands and sit on the floor, immediately wincing at the pain.
I take in what has just happened. Alex never did anything like that before, he never went as far as forcing me to have sex.
I even begged him to stop, but he didn't listen. He didn't care what I had to say. He only cared about himself. I think about the pain he caused me.
Alex just raped me.
I continue sobbing, knees to my chest and I feel like dying. I have never felt so unappreciated in my life.
I hear footsteps approaching me. I look up and flinch as Alex sits down in front of me, tears rolling down his cheeks. He is dressed now, and he's holding a small duffel bag.
He reaches over and wipes my tears. His hand is shaky. As he looks down I hear him whisper something, but I can't tell what he said.
He looks up at me again. "Go," he says, handing the bag to me. I look at the bag and shake my head slowly. "Where?" I ask. He begins sobbing.
"I love you so much, Jack," he sobs, "but I can't hurt you like this anymore. It's selfish, and I can't help it, I hate the way I am."
Although I agree with him, I don't let him know that. "It's not your fault, Alex," is all I can say. He stands up and sobs louder.
"Look what I just did Jack! I fucking raped you and watched you limp away, bleeding and crying! I'm a fucking asshole and you deserve so much better!"
I cry harder, standing up on unstable legs as I wrap my arms around Alex. "I love you, Lex, I don't want anyone else," I say. And I'm not lying.
Alex wraps his arms loosely around my shoulders. He takes a shaky breath. "But why do you love me when I hurt you so much?" he asks. I rest my head on his shoulder and let out a sigh.
"The same reason that you hurt me even though you love me so much. We're both fucked up, Alex, and it isn't our fault."
Alex nods, combing his fingers through my hair. "You don't understand how sorry I am," he whispers. I nod, tears still staining my cheeks. "I do," I reply.
He shakes his head and pulls away, looking at the ground. "You'll never understand, Jack. I do these things to you because I'm a selfish, insecure fuck. I just don't want to lose you. I know that sounds like the stupidest thing ever, but it's true. I guess I feel like you'll leave unless I scare you into staying."
Another tear rolls down his cheek as he looks up at me, and I can see in his eyes that he is telling the truth. I wipe the tear away with my thumb, kissing him softly.
"I never would want to leave you, Alex," I say, "I would feel so lost without you. But sometimes it gets to the point where it's life or death. When you hit me, I feel like you don't love me, like you don't want me around."
I hold back another wave of tears as I see the hurt growing in Alex's eyes. He just nods and looks down, twisting his fingers together.
"I can try and get better," he replies after much thought, "f-for the both of us."
I smile, lifting his chin and kissing him again. I have a feeling he really is going to try.
