Babies and Lies

04. Plans and Sex

I'm yet to be pregnant and it's becoming a nagging problem to me. Very soon, I'm expected to have a baby bump but if there's no baby, how can there be a bump. How will I explain to Greg that I don't have a bump after six months? I decide to make drastic measures, I'll try getting pregnant and if that fails, I'll have to try miscarriage. I have to get pregnant as soon as this night. I grab my bag and head for the mall. It is time to plan my get-pregnant-night. I get to the main road and try to stop a taxi. It takes time before one rolls to a stop. I give him the address to a supermarket and urge him to go faster. It's three o'clock and Greg is set to return home by six o'clock.

While the taxi driver battles the enemy that is Asaba traffic, I pull out my phone and open my Google app. It was time to fuel for my hustle. I quickly type 'how to plan for a mind-blowing sex that will land you pregnant' and google not knowing the gravity of the situation shows me articles about getting pregnant. I open the first one that shows the writer has a faint idea about what I'm looking for.

Make seduction your priority
Love making should come before babymaking.

Are these ones serious? I want to get pregnant right this instant and this one is talking about lovemaking. Wait till I get home and Greg returns, I'll rip his clothes and get right to baby making. Lovemaking ni, hate-making kor.

"Madam, we don reach," the driver say and I look up from my phone. It takes me a while to realise that the driver is parked in front of the Shoprite mall. I dip my hand into my bag and hand him a squeezed two hundred naira note.

"Keep the change," I state and attempt to open the door.

"For money way no reach? Madam, your money na five hundred naira."

I keep quiet, my hand still on the door handle. We all think that the criminals are politicians who lute money nonstop. They're not, the real criminals are people like this driver who tries to use poor unsuspecting folks like me to solve his family problems or change bumper.

"No wahala," I say and open the door. In respect to the etiquette class I never took, I bring my two legs, tightly pressed together, out first and the rest of my body follows suit. I slam the door and walk to the driver's window. "I de owe you three hundred naira. E go be."

I don't wait for his response, I run into the mall and hopefully get lost in the crowd. I go through the mall looking for the clothes section and in no time, it is standing before me. I rush in head straight for the lingerie section. The choices leave me baffled and I have no choice but to call Josephine. She picks up.

"I'm thinking, should I buy a one piece lingerie or should I get a matching pair?"

"Get a Bible and read the ten commandments."

"Oh chi m," I say and follow it up with a sigh. "I'm looking at this black two piece, I think it'll go with my bronze skin. Should I get it?"

Josephine sighs softly before saying, "I still think you should tell Greg the truth. But get a two piece. It looks sexy."

"It's written in the Bible?"

"Waka," is all she says before hanging up.

I stifle a laugh and return my phone to my bag. I don't take the two piece like Josephine suggested, I take the one piece, pay for it and leave.

My next stop is not home like I planned, it is a flower shop. It is more out of curiosity that anything that makes me go into the shop. I didn't know flower shops are a thing in Nigeria. The bell atop the door jingles the second I open it. I'm so transfixed on the bell that I don't notice the petite woman standing before. The scream that erupts from my mouth causes her glasses to move a little. She arranges it and beams at me.