A Letter For Jonghyun

My Letter

My letter to Jonghyun

Dear Jonghyun,

i'm sorry...
I'm sorry that i didn't see the pain that hid behind your beautiful smile.
Im sorry that i didn't look deeper into your lyrics,
that you were crying out for help in plain sight,
and no one saw it.
Im sorry I couldn't help you,
or see that you were in pain sooner.

I miss...
I miss the beautiful smile you wore,
i miss the amazing laugh you had when you were with your members.
I miss everything,
I miss your very existence on this very planet,
i know your somewhere up above feeling free.
But i can't help but question.

Why?
Why did you do it.
Why did you take your life so soon?
Why didn't you reach out for anyone,
so many people could've helped you,
yet you kept it to yourself,
I feel stupid for asking why,
even when i know the reason why.
You were in pain,
under stress.

I understand...
I understand your were in pain,
I understand your had so much stress,
I understand what you were going through,
But I still don't understand,
Why you chose that option...

I wish...
i just wished that you lived longer
so i had noticed what was happening.
I wish i could reverse time and stop you.
I wish i could have told everyone what was going to happen.
I just wished i noticed your pain sooner,
I just wish everyone noticed it sooner..

I miss you...
I miss your every existence,
I miss how much of a dorky smile you had,
your dorky personality.
I hate to see that you were in so much pain,
yet it hurts me.

It hurts me...
It hurts me someone such as talented as you took your life.
It hurts me that i won't be able to ever see you in person.
It hurts me that i won't be able to hear your talented voice during concerts.
It hurts me to see that so many people are suffering over your passing.
It hurts me that there will always be five mics at the concerts,
yet there's only one without you there.
It hurts me...

I wonder...
I wonder, if you hadn't passed would things get better?
I wonder if you hadn't passed would i still be hurting?
If you hadn't passed,
would your life have gotten better?
Then again,
I still love you.

I still love you.
I still love your smile,
I still love your singing,
I still love your personally,
We still love you.

You..
You brought so much joy
You brought so much inspiration
You brought so much laughter
You also brought so much life to us.

To us,
To us you were happiness,
To us you were family,
A family member we love deeply,
A member.... we didn't want to loose...

I don't care...
I don't care if I am the last SHAWOL to leave this fandom,
I don't care if I am the last person standing in the concert dome,
I don't care if I am the last one to light the light stick,
I don't care if I am the only person shouting their names,
I don't care if I am the only person to shout their fan chants,
I don't care if I am the last one to be turn crazy on them,
I don't care if I am the only SHAWOL to support them,
I don't care if I am the last one to laugh all their flaws and gags.
I don't care if I am the last one to call ONEW as DUBU,
LEADERNIM,
BUNNY,
THE BEST.
I don't care if I am the last one to call JONGHYUN
VOCAL KING,
TRUE LEGEND,
DINO,
ANGEL
what else?
My everything.......
I don't care if I am the last one to call MINHO
DIBIDIBIDIS MY NAME IS MINHO,
FLAMING CHARISMA,
LOUD AND COMPETITIVE AS HELL............
I don't care if I am the last one to call TAEMIN
DANCING MACHINE
and FOREVER KPOP MAKNAE,
I don't care if I am the one to call KEY
  COOKING QUEEN of ENTIRE KPOP WORLD,
DIVA,
FASHIONISTA TOOO....
I don't care what will happen to SHINee,

As long...
As long as they make MUSIC,
As long as they dance on stage.
As long as they make VARIETY SHOW,
As long as they LIVE.
As long as I LIVE.
As long as there still MEMBERS left.
I will continue to support them.
And i keep my promise.

One thing form you,
Please don't cry,
Every tear you waste is happiness,
Of you,
And me.

Just remember,
Remember how much joy you brought,
Remember how much inspiration you brought,
Remember all those good moments,
And remember all of us.

But the only thing I really can say is,
You did well Jonghyun,
You did well.

Love Natalie,