𝚋𝚘𝚑𝚎𝚖𝚒𝚊𝚗 𝚛𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚜𝚘𝚍𝚢

nine ♔ brian may

song imagine

anxiety - julia michaels ft selena gomez

♔

My friends, they wanna take me to the movies
I tell 'em to fuck off, I'm holding hands with my depression
And right when I think I've overcome it
Anxiety starts kicking in to teach that shit a lesson

Maybe i should have gone with them, you thought, they're probably having so much fun, but they're better of without me. You sighed and laid your book down, looking at the ceiling over you. Brian, Freddie, Roger, John and Mary had invited you to go on the premiere of a new movie, but you said that you felt down and didn't want to come with them. Of course they all tried to convince you otherwise, but you didn't want to go. You were scared that you would embarrass yourself, say something awkward, look bad.

Oh, I try my best just to be social
I make all these plans with friends and hope they call and cancel
Then I overthink about the things I'm missing
Now I'm wishing I was with 'em

You sighed and decided to go on a walk, just get some fresh air. You knew that you had to get out of your house more often, but your anxiety held you inside. You put your coat and shoes on and walked outside, making sure to lock the door behind. The cold air stung your face as you walked in the late night, but it felt nice after a while. You walked towards a park that laid close to your and Brian's shared home. You always felt safe in that park and really enjoyed looking at the small lake and different trees. The moonlight reflected in the surface of the water as you sat down on a bench, just listening to the silence.

Feel like I'm always apologizing for feeling
Like I'm out of my mind when I'm doing just fine
And my exes all say that I'm hard to deal with
And I admit it, yeah

You were very sensitive and cried a lot. You could cry over the smallest thing, but you couldn't help it, the tears just started flooding out of your eyes. You got very embarrassed when you cried in front of your friends, which made you cry even more. You walked away even when they tried to comfort you. You thought that they thought that you were attention seeking and spoiled, which you definitely wasn't. You absolutely hated attention, despised it even.

But all my friends, they don't know what it's like, what it's like
They don't understand why I can't sleep through the night
I've been told that I could take something to fix it
Damn, I wish it, I wish it was that simple, ah
All my friends they don't know what it's like, what it's like

You couldn't help but see the looks exchanged between your friends as you got upset, They thought you were annoying and sensitive. You knew that, but you always tried explaining why you were crying or being upset. They would nod and say 'i understand' or 'yeah, everybody feels like that sometimes'. But you knew that they were lying and saying those thinks to quiet you down. You didn't blame them for feeling this way, you were annoying. Silent tears ran down your cheek and you didn't bother to wipe them away.

You got up from the bench and walked back home. You had been sitting there for an hour, just thinking about you and your stupid emotions. When you walked up to the door you noticed that it was already unlocked and you understood that Bri was home. You opened the door and removed your outerwear before you walked inside. You could hear a voice from the kitchen and walked towards it.

"No, she wasn't home when i got home, she normally leaves a note or something bu-" He said but stopped once he saw you standing in the doorway. His hair was messy and multiple notes were spread over your kitchen table, he held the phone against his ear but dropped it as he realized you were there. He stood up and walked towards you with open arms. He embraced you tightly and sighed out in relief. "Where have you been? I've been worried sick!" He said and your stomach dropped as he said those words, you didn't want him to worry about you.

"I went on a walk, i'm sorry, i should've stayed home." You mumbled into his hair. He let you go and the cold air embraced your body again.

"It's fine Y/n, you don't have to be sorry." He said, cupping your face with a small smile. But the smile soon disappeared as he saw your bloodshot eyes. "Have you been crying?" He asked, trying to touch your cheek but you slapped his hand away. You walked towards the kitchen counter, resting your back against it.

"No, i haven't" You said but Brian stood in front of you in a second, inspecting your body for any wounds. "I haven't Bri." You sighed, turning your head away, preventing him from looking into your eyes. You didn't want him to worry about you. 

"I can see that you have Y/n, why won't you tell me?" He asked and you could hear the worry in his voice. You sighed and looked into his eyes before speaking.

"Just, Anxiety." You simply said, letting the tears fall from your eyes. Brian sighed and hugged you close to him. He never suffered from it, but understood that it wasn't very nice. He tried his best to comfort you as you cried in his arms, but soon you only felt embarrassed. You backed away from him before you walked away. He stood still for a moment before he went after you, but you were already locked in the bathroom.

"Y/n?" He said, a confused tone in his voice. You started sobbing uncontrollably as he said you name.

"Bri, just leave me alone, okey. I need some time alone right now." You said whilst your sobbing got worse. The door handle shook as he tried opening it.

"Y/n, please let me in, please." He said, sounding scared and hurt. "Please Y/n"

"No, Brian, i just need to calm down." You said while you started to remove your clothes. You got in the shower and let the warm water hit your bare body. You sat down, hugging your legs as you tried to calm down. The water felt nice while it mixed with your salty tears, and soon the anxiety was gone. You got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around your body. You grabbed your old clothes before you carefully opened the door. Brian was leaning against the wall opposite from the bathroom, fast asleep. You smiled slightly and walked up the stairs to put on some pajamas. You put your wet hair up in a bun on top of your head and headed downstairs to wake Brian. 

"Brian, Bri?" You said while you carefully shook his shoulder. His face scrunched up and he slowly opened his eyes to look at you. And when they did he quickly stood up. He embraced your body tightly and you could feel him shaking from tears. Guilt hit you like a truck.

"What's wrong Y/n? Why are you like this?" He asked you, looking at your face. You smiled slightly as you placed a hand on his cheek, stroking his tears away. He calmed down the moment your hand touched his skin and he leaned his head into it.

"I'm fine now Bri," You spoke softly, "It's just the anxiety hitting me for no particular reason, tomorrow i'll call a psychologist and see if she or he can help me. I'm so tired of feeling sad and anxious all the time. Let's go to bed." You said and pulled him towards the bedroom. He got out of his clothes and crawled in next to you, wrapping his arms around you. 

"I love you Y/n, so much."

"I love you too Bri."

♔