I wonder why i sit here and cry
When did this change become my life?
How long have i not bin here?
To notice each and every tear .
How can this feel so normal now ?
When its something that i just found out.
Did i just forget what others said ?
I'm pretty sure it's not just in my head.
Can some one tell me just how long it takes .
To make these black marks on my face ?
I know i've slept more then it shows .
So why does it look like i live on nodose ?
Puffy seems to be.
The normal look every one else sees .
How did my life get so far off track ?
And is there a way to get it back ?
I've always bin able to act real well .
To mask things and hide behind a vale .
Show every one what they want to see .
To keep them happy and proud of me .
I really need to figure out .
How long i have bin blocking it out .
How could i just loose so much ?
When did i just check out put on a smile and take each punch ?
I know it wasn't always this way.
I had a life and fun each day.
It wasn't all put on .
I had so much to look towards .
My eyes would tell you lots of things .
Like how i laughed , smiled and was so happy .
Back then i guess i was to naive .
My smile would never fade and my eyes where a brighter shade .
I had so much to look forward to .
Good friends that could lighten any mood .
I wish i knew just what went wrong .
To make me hide from things for so very long .
I'm going to try to figure out .
If i can find my way back out .
To try to selvedge what life is left .
To stop pretending and not regret .
The things i did wile i was gone .
And to be ok with things i've just let go of for so long .
I'm on my way to find out .
What my life is all about .
I'm not quite sure how i broke threw that wall .
But now that i am completely awake i'm getting rid of it all .
It feels like i've just bin asleep over night.
But over night was half my life .
Don't get me wrong please understand .
I'm not trying to push of any blame for things i've done thats really not my plan .
I take the blame for every thing .
I'm not saying that i went insane .
I'll take the blame for all these years .
That i hid away and shed these tears .
Please give me a little time .
To find my way and get back in the right line .
I think i know what to do .
I'm just hoping i'll be able to follow threw.
I'm slowly finding the women i should be .
It's still going to take some time to get back to the sunshine .
I am getting a little stronger .
Holding on just a little longer.
I might not be able to see the better part of me .
But i wont give up the fight and i got it in my sight .
I cry a little less every day .
I've even found time to learn how to play .
It's not an easy thing to do .
To miss such a big part of you .
I try to look at myself at least once a day .
Try to tell myself that you are wherth more then you tell your self .
Some people want to say .
You know you can't just forget you life that way .
But they just don't get the things that i say .
It's just a medafore to let you know what i'm trying to say.
I lost who i was and tried to please every one .
I was the good little girl , perfect little mommy, and the perfect little wifie but in those that i said i never said i was just the best me i could be .
So before it gets all twisted .
I figured i would fix it .
I did what i was supposed to and took care of what i needed to .
So now that it's finally time for me i'm going to set her free so she can find what makes her shine .
So to put this to a rest .
I now know what started this test.
Why do i cry ?
Because i couldn't find the person that i really had to find .
Not the girl,mom,or the wife .
The best friend deep down inside if the women she became .
By
Esther Myers Fairchild
