The Quest For A Child

It all started when an old married couple wanted a child. They argued about who's fault it was; his, hers,  the cat's (though they both agreed that the goldfish obviously had something to do with it). Finally they came to the conclusion that what they needed was professional help.                                                            

And so they went to the local witch; Griselda Spittlebone. Hey, ya gotta work with watcha got, right?

 When they reached the witch's house, however; they started to regret their decision as they realized that the fence was made of human bones, all of which were very real. A skeleton was propped up against the house; holding a sign that said ' Welcome To Our Humble Abode ' ; a hat perched jauntily on his head. They wanted a child so badly, however, that they continued up the walkway; even though they had to wrap their shirts around their hands so they could open the the gate without having to touch the spindly fingers that kept the latch closed.

The husband chickened out somewhat once they reached the front door but his wife held him firmly by the shirt collar and knocked on the front door.

Griselda opened her door with a loud cackle and said, "Welcome my ---- " she erupted in a fit of coughing; doubling over with her hands on her knees. "Pretties", she said at last, wiping a tear from her eye. "Sorry about that. Your voice box gets a little rusty after a hundred and fifty seven years."

She was so old that even her wrinkles had wrinkles. Her body looked as thin as the skeleton outside her house and her hands were crooked and bent with arthritis. She gave a wide smile that was ruined by the fact that the three teeth she had were stained and brown. The husband was completely opposed  to the plan by this point, but his wife still had a firm grip on him and she dragged him inside.

Once inside, they both wished they were back outside. Jars full of pickled eyeballs sat on the shelves, and the eyes seemed to follow them around the room. Hanging from the ceiling were human fingers strung neatly together. They all had labels on them, with words like,'Senior Citizen Fingers', 'Adolescent Fingers', Little Tyke Fingers', and 'Newborn Fingers'. Yes, even if she did have certain cannibalistic tendencies, she was a terrific organizer.

She noticed them eyeing the fingers and said,"Oh, those are a fresh batch. I already finished the Lady Fingers or I would have offered you some." Seeing the look of disgust on their faces, she added,"Of course, if fingers aren't your style, I have some nice pureed baby in my pantry. No? Well then, if you aren't here for the food, what do you want?"

The wife nudged her husband with her elbow and he cleared his throat nervously. "We've tried for a long time to have a kid ---"  "Well, can't you go to any of the local farms? I'm sure you could get a nice kid for a reasonable price. Goats are pretty cheap nowadays, aren't they?" He looked slightly confused. "Not a goat kid, a child kid!" Griselda gave a little huff of impatience. "Why didn't you say so in the first place?" The husband continued with even less enthusiasm than before. "We've wanted a kid -- child", he said quickly, "But no luck. So we came here with the hopes that you could give us one."

The witch was silent for a long time. The couple fidgeted, hiding their hands in their pockets so she wouldn't get any ideas. Finally she spoke. "If I help you, what's in it for me?" The wife glanced at her spouse. They hadn't actually thought that part out. They were kind of sort of hoping she would help them at no cost.

The old crone seemed amused. "You mean you just barged right in here, expecting me to waste my magic for free? Ha! Humans make me laugh so much! Oh, you people are hilarious. But seriously, before I can help you, I need payment." The couple remained at a loss for words. "You know; money, cash, dough, moola, dinero?" 

She sighed. "Well look, if you guys really don't have anything, I guess I could give you one of my clearance items. The only problem is that they tend to have some rather uh, odd side effects." 

The wife said yes almost immediately; saying she'd rather have an odd baby than no baby at all. Her husband wasn't so sure, but Griselda was already bustling around the room, checking in cabinets and opening drawers, looking for the right item. "Aha!" she said, "Here it is."

She held up a bird cage covered by a dusty old cloth and the wife leaned in anxiously, wanting to see the thing that would (hopefully) be the answer to all their problems.

"This," said the witch,"Is a special creature, the only such one in existence; and today it's yours absolutely free! With this exclusive item, you can have a child of your very own; this special little number is in demand around the world, but I like you two so I'm going to give it to you at no cost." Even the husband was eagerly peering at the cage, his eyes shining in anticipation. "Yes, the one, the only, Tweetyyyyyyyy Bird!"

The couple's jaws dropped simultaneously as they stared at the yellow bird with the ridiculously big head.

"That?", said the wife, justifiably skeptical. "That's supposed to give us a child? You've got to be kidding me." Griselda glared at her. "We witches never kid." She smiled suddenly. "Now then. What you have to do when you get home is to chop dear little Tweety Bird's head off." The husband's face was full of horror. "When we cut off its head we'll get a child?!" "No", said the witch. "When you cut  off its head you'll get a dead bird. Now stop interrupting."

"After you kill it, you have to pluck and cook the body. Then you have to shrink the head and wear it around your neck as an amulet." The husband let out a high-pitched shriek that made both his wife and Griselda cover their ears and cringe. 

"Not your neck, your wife's neck!" The witch was livid. "FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, WOULD YOU LET ME FINISH ALREADY?!"

The couple blinked in synchrony; and Griselda sighed. "Thank you."