Can't You See

Blinded From Fate

So we are stumbling bar to bar in what Alex has deemed a 'bar hunt' for new territory. We bumped and grind with strangers together, chugging a drink to test their 'water', yet nothing satisfied him. I cannot help being lost in him though, his actions. He is smiling for once throughout the night. Even when he gives me the no go on a place, we hop out gleefully to the next. By this hour he has usually taken his last rejection and drinking up to numb it.

I am convinced he has finally hit rock bottom, ready to just do something different for once before returning to usual. I do not understand how this man concludes no one is going to take it further than a hook up, it is like he senses people's intentions. To me he is has much to offer, much more than I had initially realized. Perhaps this is what people need to see, the Alex being himself. Not trying too hard with 20 questions to determine a soulmate. People just need time with him. He does not let them, yet expects different results. Truly insane, if you ask me.

Right now we are grinding with each other though, the last stop for the night. Our bodies are hot and sweaty from the constant drinks and moving place to place. He has me practically pinned against a wall as we 'dance' with tents in our pants. I am lost in his salty sweet honey skin, holding to his hips. He said to hell with looking anymore and settled to a rather crowded venue thumping still in the A.M. I feel the soft purr of his voice in my ear, just enough to hear it.

"Thanks for tonight Jack, seems I'm not so lucky finding new territory either." I hear partial defeat in his voice, I am determined for this not to be another bad night for him. I lean to breathe what I would consider huskily into his ear, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"I'd be happy running around with you every night, Alex." I punctuate his name with a serious tone. I want him to know it cannot just be over. He cannot give up because no one is good enough to him. His brown eyes match mine, a smile playing those wet lips, and I could lose it right here with him. He mouths a 'thank you' and kisses my cheek. What the fuck. I know this was all fun and games, but I need those lips. I need that smile to remain.

He buries his head in my neck, and that was the night. Us practically having sex on the wall being nothing more than that. I had gained a strange friend, finally knowing and loving more about that guy named Alex. I feel hurt. Am I not good enough to love? Am I really that forgettable to be tossed in the friendship bin immediately? I hate this. I hate myself for not being what he wants. I hate watching him night after night hurt. I can give him what he wants, but it seems I am everything that he wants, just not love material.

I settle with this for now. Having his sweaty body working with mine is not exactly the worst thing, so I will settle. He runs his hands down my side and grabs my ass, chuckling from his teasing. What he was not expecting was a moan in his ear from this. Shit shit shit. He quickly looks at me, surprise and humor plastered on his face. My face is red hot. How stupid am I?

"Am I turning you on, Mr. Barakat?" He practically moans in my ear. This asshole. I shrug it off and play off a smile.

"Seems I'm not alone," I move my hips hard against his to prove a point. He cannot help but to moan too, deep and needy, making my dick throb a little. Fuck I need this man. Top, bottom, sideways, I do not give two fucks how.

"It's the alcohol," he tries to brush off, "but I guess you're not so bad looking either man." He chuckles into my damp hair. I mentally roll my eyes. He is fighting this. This spark of instant connection we obviously have. Is this his problem? Is he simply scared?

"Don't fight what you want, Alex." I make sure to moan this in his ear. His hot skin suddenly dotted with goosebumps. Maybe I have not lost this battle just yet. Maybe I am not just some pathetic friend.

He grabs my the back of my hair, forcing my head to tilt back and our eyes lock. His eyes are darkened with lust. We keep moving, his face stuck on examining me with a need. Judging if I am really worth it. Fuck, I am not. He grins at me, looking right through how much I want him. He pushes his full weight against me, body flush against mine. I feel his lips brushing so gentle against my neck I almost cannot feel it. He runs his tongue just under my ear and blows on it. Fuck he is good. Then his lips are practically against my ear.

"Maybe one day, Jack, but you know I'm only looking for one thing." I hear a sadness in his voice. Like he is used to people wanting him, but nothing more. He gets people riled up a needy, but sees that as all they want. What the actual fuck. I want him, hell yes, but I always want him. I pull his shoulders back to look him in the eye.

"I don't just want sex, Alex. You fucking know this," my voice cracks with frustration and fear, "I'd be happy doing this every night with you." He looks down a little, a faked smile now on his lips. Like he has heard this a thousand times before, but it still hurts a little each time. I just do not understand him.

"Weekend fun is nice and all, but what about after the weekend is over?" He is serious now. We are just pressed together on the wall as other bodies move around us. Both sweating and deciding this is the best time to have a serious conversation over loud music.

"Then it's breakfast in bed each morning, packed lunches, and a nice dinner with some wine just before bed. It's showering together to get each other clean, taking care of each others wants and needs." I nearly beg him with my eyes that I want more than this, to be his. I see the tears flow in his eyes. Alex is not just four walls, he is a home. I embrace him as he sobs into me. This is all so new. He really is frustrated with his love life, but he pushes people away.

"I-I'm sorry man," he whimpers into my already wet shirt. I rub his back and move us to the back in a private room. I lock the door, sitting Alex on a plush couch before sitting right at his hip. He is broken, that is clear, but why? We were having such a good time, I nearly confess wanting love with him, and this.

"I'm fucking not good enough, I'm sorry," he trails off against my shoulder. I shake my head and hold to him.

'You're fucking everything, Alex. Shut up." I hear a soft chuckle through the tears. He relaxes fully against me as I do the same to him. Tonight has been exhausting. I am definitely not 16 again.

"Then why does everyone leave?" I'm surprised and a little heart broken by the question. He does not let people in like he has with me tonight.

"People are assholes, but not all people are complete assholes." I stroke his hair lightly from his face. It's true. People suck, I suck half the time, but it does not mean there is no hope.

"Why do people only want to fuck and run? I can be with someone a year and all they really want from me is sex in the end. Why can't I have like you say? Breakfast together, a thoughtful packed lunch, and a dinner over wine to wind down together? No sex, I mean sex is great, but not just sex." His tears are flowing gently now. He is just frustrated. I do not see how someone could only use another for sex beyond a hook up, but is seems like all Alex knows. It kills me.

"You can have what I said," I shakily, boldly, state. It is true. I can give him what he wants. He looks up at me now, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. His lost puppy look.

"How?" I nearly slap him asking this. I thought it was obvious. Maybe it's obvious he does not get what is good right in front of him, only seeing those who are bad for him.

"Me, you dickhead. I did not mention it just as an example. I'd be happy to fix you breakfast in bed." He looks almost shocked by this. I start seeing why he has such a hard time. It does not excuse his past relationships being hard, no, but I see why he feels no one cares. He does not see me, even when I am right here.

"You'd do those things for me?" He leans closer to me as if I have a secret to confess. I nod, smiling at him. He smiles with me, those beautiful lips wrapped around his goofy mouth. He is such a dork.

"You're welcome anytime to come over to have those things, but you can invite me over to yours too." I am hopeful again. Maybe Alex can finally see what I have seen all night. We work. He and I both struggle to find connection in different ways. He is blinded by the past. I am blinded by someone who may or may not want me, him. He is not so vapid. When he talks of himself, gritty and smooth parts, he is a beautifully whole person. We have so much in common, perfect nearly.

"You're honestly the best friend I've ever had, Jack. We can do breakfast at mine Sunday maybe?" Well, fuck. That is not exactly what I meant. I sigh mentally, but shine a bright smile and nod.

"Of course, I can't think of anything better." He gives me a content smile before resting back on my shoulder. I hold him close and just breathe in this roller coaster of a man. I settle to stay on this ride because honestly, though it has its ups and downs, it is the best ride I have been a part of. It is Alex, after all. It is just the first night. I just have to be the best damn friend ever.

"Lets go to my place, cuddle until we sleep, hmm?" I hear a now mumbling Alex suggest. Such a damn typical thing. He is going to be blind of what is right in front of him until last minute, isn't he? At least I can hope. Fuck me.

"Lets do the damn thing then, babe." He chuckles and slaps my chest. At least I get to be in his bed, with him, tonight in one manner. We sluggishly hop up and drag each other out the bar. The night sky is slowly lighting up. I hiss at it which elicits a soft laugh from the body bag I am helping to carry as he helps carry me. We flag a taxi finally and head to his place a few blocks away. He is asleep in my arms, slightly drooling. I watch this mess of a man with trailing fingers lightly against his face. So adorable, yet so oblivious. Cuddle buddies is not such a bad thing, perhaps.