call me again → cmbyn ✔

13-sin with me

← ✰oliver✰ →

i've been writing recently, helps me forget all that's happened. i write about the philosophy of the mind as best i can, it's not my strong area but it fascinated me how one mind can damage enough without even touching.

i've also been helping anchise with what i can, picking fruit and what not, anything to help
me forget about him.

i don't know why i came back really, she wasn't coming with me. i just excepted elio to drop everything and come back to me like he did before. i'm a selfish man with selfish thoughts.

there was one day when i'd been helping annella rearrange some flowers (i say help, i mean, more telling her that everything she did looked lovely) when i heard a familiar tune, it hurt my heart in a strange way. it was the same tune he'd played first, on the guitar in the garden, and then changed it twice on the piano in the living room. that was the first day we both sort of mutually agreed there was something between. not in words but in petty flirting.

i walked into the living room where the boy sat, doing a quick check that elijah hadn't joined us before sitting on one of the couches.

"play it again" i spoke softly as to not disturb him.

"play what?" he responded on the same level, there was a significant change to his voice. he sounded tired, he sounded wounded.

"what you played outside.." the words came out before i'd really thought about what i was saying, i let it happen.

"i'm not playing this game oliver" did his voice, crack? did i make him cry?

he went into the garden to probably join his mother and i decided that i wouldn't bother him anymore today, so i made my way into my room.

a small part of me had a feeling something like this would happen, while i was in america i wrote a small postcard that we bought together last summer in a small bookshop we spent a lot of our hours in. i had been saving it for a moment like this. i walked into elios small room and placed in on his bed, he would find it.

i looked out into the garden and saw that elijah had arrived, this time i didn't feel sad i just felt angry. how dare he? he doesn't know what happened between us. he doesn't understand.

as i was about to leave elios room i came face to face with annella. my heart stopped for a second, what if she saw the postcard. it's not like she didn't already know..

"where is your fiancé oliver? its clear no one else is going to ask" she said with a smile on her face, she was interrogating me.. kindly?

"she got, sick so she couldn't come with me" i hesitated before lying. i think she caught on.

"oliver sweetheart just tell me the truth" she smiled weakly. i walked into my room and sat on the bed, indicating for her to follow.

"we decided it would be best for us to split up" i said easily. i didn't have to explain why, it was obvious she knew.

"is it because of my son?" she asked me

"yes" i said, bowing my head out of embarrassment.

"oliver, what you had together, was an incredible sort of love but my son needs someone who is comfortable with themselves and won't go running off with every woman he finds" she still spoke softly, even placed her hand on mine. underlying insult.

"i only did that because i didn't know i loved him" i responded, no going back now.

"well, have a long hard think about what you want, and if you still want elio you have mine and my husbands blessing" she kissed both my cheeks and stood to leave the room.

i heard another door slam as she left and my head snapped to elio and i'd shared bathroom. did someone go in or someone go out? i walked slowly into the bathroom and saw what i really hoped wasn't the card, in the bin.

i took it out and sighed as my cursive writing came into view.

dear oliver,
i love you,
more than there are stars in the sky
more than there is grass on the ground,
more than there are fruit on your trees,
children in the play grounds
grains of sands in the whole world.
i care about you,
more than any parent ever could
more than any leader cares for their country
i love you like the sun burns in the sky
i know our love is never fading.
i love you
love elio

i dropped the card back into the trash as soon as i'd picked it up. i was beyond angry, i was drained. i know my love words aren't as good as my facts but for god sake could he not try and bare with me!

the best decision i think i made on the trip was to go to the beach that day. it was one of those warm evenings when there's a light chill in the air. it cleared the thoughts that were swimming in my head.

as the waves came into view i was reminded that, one day none of this would mean anything to me. i'd be married happily with beautiful children and probably a dog, have a great job at a university maybe even own a university. and this would be a story i'd tell on a drunken night out.

i walked towards the rocky edge and along the side. this is where me and elio used to run together.

just as i was reminiscing about the "better times" i spotted something that i really hoped wasn't what i thought it was. billowy, as elio named it.

the shirt i wore on my first day, that i gave to him on my last. the tears came before i could slow them. i couldn't fight the urge any longer.

the truth being, i had wanted to cry since the day i arrived back in this small town but some thing had a held me back, a small flicker of hope that he still cared had held me back. i know now that was all in my head.

i walked closer to the waves, letting the tears fall as they willed. who would see me here?

no one, i hoped. and i was correct. the rest of the evening was spent with the waves and the sand and my heart which was starting to give way to the pit of despair lying beneath it.

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