(Tony the Tiger x Toucan Sam) Alcohol & Cereal

this is all my friend's fault for coming up with this hideous idea

Toucan Sam felt like this was an awful idea.

He pathetically sat at the bar of a roaring nightclub. Neon lights were flaring all around the room, and all sorts of anthropomorphic species were dancing to the music that was blaring impossibly loud. The heavy bass rang in his ears. He had to cover up his nostrils, because his heightened sense of smell made the perfume and sweat unbearable.

"What am I doing here?" He thought in his signature older voice. "Well, I already know that one. Have to try something new once in a while. Why did I go to this one?" He knew the answer to that one too; he was a well-respected cereal mascot, he easily could get in. The roaring bass and the female fumes were enough to drive him out, except he had already paid for his nice drink. He couldn't remember the specifics, but it was strong whatever brand of whiskey it was.

He tucked his beak out of the bar table, and looked around. Everyone was having fun- except him. He tried to reason with himself that there were other loners in the room, but couldn't shake off the feeling. Defeated, he took his small drink, and left the safety of the bar to go wander around. He weaved between dancers, and animals that gave him odd looks.

Taking a small sip, he noticed in front of him two rather large men shouting at each other. It was a miracle that he could hear them at all. He paid them no mind, however; he assumed things like that happened at clubs.

"You better pay for et, bub!" An overly angry brown bear shouted, waving around his hands erratically. He was about to make a swing at the tall, muscular tiger staring him down when his elbow hit something hard; a face.

A crippling sensation shot threw Sam as he hit the floor. Glass shattered, drinks spilled, crowds gasped.

Blinking ferociously away watery eyes, he stared at the ceiling with the flashing lights as a mob gathered. The impact with the pounding bass made his head swim as the back of his head throbbed. "You okay?" A familiar voice called out to him. He could see an outline of the same muscular tiger holding out a hand to grab. Snapping out of his reverie, he weakly grabbed the hand, and it pulled him to his feet.

"We'll settle this later, Tony!" The bear threateningly grumbled, seemingly embarrassed at the scene he created, and huffed out the door. Tony sarcastically waved goodbye, as he turned his attention to the toucan.

"Are you hurt, Sam?" He asked, concern in his voice.

Toucan Sam, however, was starstruck.

"Gee, I'd thought we'd meet somewhere in a better situation, but... Hi, my name's- Well, you already know my name," He babbled. He subconsciously put his feathers to the back of his head, where he felt no blood.

"Am I hurt? Uh, no, but I'm going to have a very horrible headache for the rest of the evening," He continued, finally getting to the point.

Making a face, he said, "Well, that's better than nothing." Looking around, he whispered, "Let's go somewhere quiet."

Sam tried to protest, explaining that people would step on the glass, but the tall tiger explained, "The employees are pretty diligent here."

Maneuvering around the anthropomorphic dancers, he lead hid new acquaintance to a back door, which opened up to a quiet alley. Near them was a street light that radiated untrustworthy yellow light that missed dark shadows in the night.

Sam took a deep breath, and huffed. "Much better!" He exclaimed. Tony couldn't help but smile.

"So, where were we?" He asked. "Well, we were talking about my injuries, but I want that out of my mind as soon as possible," Sam complained. The adrenaline was wearing off, and he was now starting to feel the impact's effects.

"I agree. That guy was a looser." A sudden silence spread over the pair, as they wracked their brains on where to divert the conversation to.

Clearing his throat, Sam griped, "So, I don't get it. How are you supposed to have fun in there?" He then listed all of his concerns, all of which have been covered already in this story. The tiger grinned.

"Well, I can't really explain it all that well. I just drink and have fun! I guess you're not used to it, eh?" The toucan shook his head.

"Say, what do you do in your free time?" He asked.

Do you ever get asked a question that you really don't want to answer? That if you get it wrong, the other person will hate you forever? This is one of those questions. Do you lie? Or do you tell the truth, and show how boring you really are?

"Well, I read, I write a little bit, I hike, um..." He wracked his brain for answers that could show more pizazz. "I help at the local cat shelter?"

"As a big cat myself, I approve," Tony barked.

"Even though I haven't gone in a year, I think it still counts," Sam thought.

"Speaking of big cats, is it true that lions and tigers can't purr?" He asked. In responce, Tony lowered his head to Sam's height.

"Find out yourself."

It was quite logical for Sam to not want to donate a headpat. He could list many things such as lice, rabies, and the most pressing of all, he had only met him five minutes ago. Yet he gave a headpat. His finger-like feathers weaved through his fur, and weaved around his pointy ears. A single pat was all it took before a rumble came thumping out of his chest.

"Huh, I guess I was wrong!" He cheered, as Tony leaned backwards to stretch, back popping.

"No, I was just playing with you."

With a stern look in his eye, he growled with no emotion, "My disappointment is immeasurable, and my day is ruined."

He playfully stepped back in alarm. "Woah, where did that come from?" Sam shrugged it off.

Time seemed to slip by as the two chatted pleasantly to each other. It was when they started discussing Tic-Tac-Toe strategies that Toucan Sam checked the time.

"Oh dear! It's dreadfully late!" He exclaimed. It was midnight, impossibly late for the toucan, rookie numbers for the tiger. Tony felt it was his time to pounce.

"If you're too tired to drive home, you could sleep at my place," He offered.

One message rang in his mind: NO. THAT IS AN AWFUL IDEA.

"Sure!"

His next thoughts were the screams of a thousand frustrated beings.

"W-well, actually, I think I changed my mind," He retorted.

As the rug was being pulled out from under him, he whined, "Awh, come on! It's a really nice condo."

"You're getting pressured. Come on. Say no. Don't care about his nice condo. Pfuh," Sam desperately thought.

Sam mumbled, "I mean, ehugh, I'll pass." His conscience cried tears of joy.

Clawing at one final attempt, he mentioned, "We can smash?"

Blinking blankly, Sam said, "Like the video game?"

The impact was so great of Tony's hand to his forehead that it killed a few million germs. He defiantly told him that no, not the game.

 "I mean," Tony realized, "You're still healing after that breakup, right?"

"That Trix-addict can suck my ass," He defiantly stated.

There was a moment of silence in the dark alley, crickets chirping in full force.

"Yeah. Well, anyway, It's been a pleasure meeting you, Tony. But I am not interested. Try being a little more subtle next time?" Sam offered.

"I'm a bold kinda guy," Tony claimed, realizing a bit too late that the comment was quite narcissistic.

As Sam waved him off, he said a quick goodbye, and stomped off to his car, revved up the gas, and sped away.

Tony went back inside for some drinks, and Sam got hit by and elk and proceeded to fucking die.