it's 4:57 am and i can't sleep | yamada jiro

「 yamada jiro 」

warnings: none! - theme: angst - word count: 652

full title: it's 4:57 am and i can't sleep because i'm overthinking about an argument i had with my brother and how difficult i make life for my family

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... damn, I wish I weren't me. Maybe then I wouldn't be a disappointment to my family.

Dull eyes bore into the ceiling, every bump and scratch seen but not registered. Questionable stains that had gathered over the years provided the only source of variety in color among the shadowy white of the ceiling. Jiro's gaze wandered tiredly, though it wasn't like he was trying to find something on his ceiling. There was nothing special there. No, it was just to keep him from fully submerging into his thoughts. Some kind of anchor. At least, another one aside from the hand that held a penguin stuffed animal. It was one that Saburo had given him when they were younger and he had cried. He had kept it over all these years.

He blinked slowly. Again, he blinked, a moment later. His eyes stopped on the corner of the room, watching shadows dance, and he gave himself a moment to think.

I'm the middle child. I'm supposed to help nii-chan and Saburo. I'm supposed to help Ichi-nii take care of serious stuff and take care of Saburo when no one else can. But here I am, causing trouble and stressing us all out. Being an idiot delinquent who can't stop himself from being a petty, trash personification of a pile of dirty clothes. I can't be someone strong like Ichi-nii or someone smart like Saburo. All I can do is fight, and that's what idiots do to solve their problems. I'm good for nothing...

Jiro's eyes narrowed at his thoughts. Since when had he begun to think of himself this way? He squeezed his eyes closed, feeling exhaustion sweep over him. He hoped that he could let his running mind rest, even if it was for just a moment. His hand clutched onto the penguin, as if it were going to tell him that he wasn't all that he thought. But if he was honest with himself, these thoughts had been coming more often during recent nights. He only let these thoughts out deep into the night, where there was no one to stop him or distract him.

His grew frustrated quickly, as he had already many times through the hours of the night. He peeled his eyes open to stare at the penguin. Its motionless face stared back at him, black eyes shining with a dot of reflected light. What kind of expression was it making? Jiro couldn't describe it. Sighing, he pushed past the expression of the penguin and reminisced back to when they were younger. When everything had been different. Where along that path of growing up did they start to hate each other...?

Now he was in high school, about to graduate. And Saburo was about to enter high school. They weren't cute kids anymore who didn't have as many complicated and self hating thoughts. They had to grow up. They had to face challenges that no one could help with them. They had to accept the world they lived in and all the horrible things they had never seen before. They had to face a sick and disgusting world that didn't want to let them be at ease. If only the damned world could be better... if only he could be better...

He squeezed his eyes closed, opening them just to stare holes into the ceiling again. His eyes were dull, and he felt his ability to be upset and angry at the world slowly laying to rest. He let out a deep breath, deciding that this was enough. He'd just shut off his brain. He couldn't get through the night thinking like this.

He hugged the penguin to his chest, rolling to his eyes and shutting his eyes. He wasn't going to let himself open his eyes again and think. It was time to sleep. He'd feel better in the morning. Things would be better in the morning.