life

Nights

(Just a warning, that this will deal with heavy topics and also really bad grammar and spelling).

Dear book,

Its been hard. I can't sleep, eat, I don't even want to cuddle my pugs. This is all complicated. Too complex for my mind and hart to handle. I always try and cheer people up, but in the process I am breaking myself. I start to love things, to the point of hating them. My friends, family, art, cosplay, singing... The list goes on.

I don't want to eat, but I feel my stomach ache. I know the  consequences of not eating. But I can't help it. To the point of ware I TRY and skip a meal a day. Why is it so hard to ask for help? I mean my life is really shit. As I am writing this, its 9 pm. I know I should sleep, but why?

Thoughts start to spill into my mind, rushing all different types of worries and regrets. We all die, its inevitable. Why eat, when I am fat? Why go outside, when I live no where and have no friends?

Friends? I linger on that word. I am loosing more then I am gaining. I don't even want to make friends anymore, in fear of what has already happened to me.

Let me tell you a story within a story. I meet a girl at my school. (For the sake of names I will make them up as I go.) This girl was Ashley and we had many things in common. After about a week we became best friends, but things got, ... Bad. One day she stopped talking to me and then gave me a note. It told me things, I never knew was happening, how I was messing up. But Ashley never tried to actually talk to me when it was happening in the moment. This cased me so much pain. I started cutting and planning my death. I was going to overdose. I had the pills in my hand, then I got a text form a online friend. I decided to wait and see what would happen. After about a month we started talking again. Our friendship got better, or i thought it did. Things ware fine for long while. Then around the same time that the first incident happened it happened again. This time it was a little worse for me. She actually read me the letter this time. I had no words at the time. I wrote a letter back, exlpianing everything I remembered was wrong. We went to talking terms. Then one day we both sat in class. It was basically a free  period. I was talking to a knew student, and I was trying to get advice on a book i was wrighting and one thing led to another. I started to tell this new friend how incorporating details was better, then to just say them. I did learn this form Ashley, but also reading other books. Eventually even or teacher came into the conversation. When the bell rang Ashley came to me saying she was pissed. She told me and I quote, "stop using things I told you about to make yourself look smarter!" I was not trying to look smart and I wasn't even expecting things to turn out the way they did. She wasn't even in the conversation to begin with. If she was I would have said "Ashley knows all about this. She is way better at wrighting then I am." or something around this lines. Life whent all down hill after that day. She blocked me on Instagram and when I tried to explain things, she had a friend I didn't know tell me off. Her words being "back off of Ashley " and ever since I did. School I didn't really hang with school friends often and she would always be there, when I did. About a week after my school life becomeimg hell so did my online life. Friends I had, that also k we Ashley, started to talk to me less. Never have I felt so alone. How I still feel. Its been a long time (a couple months) of this as I wright this now. At school I try and act like nothing is going on between us, but it is hard when she doesn't even look in my general direction.

Thoughts of killing my self keep flooding my mind, but at least I haven't cut, right?

Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve any of this? I have been depressed since such a young age. My life is a mess and I don't have the will power to fix it. Both mentally and physically. I mean ya, I can fight if I needed to (even though I have never gotten into a fight), but then what's the point of that? Get a bad rap and deal with it? I just....... Can't.

Angle closed the book and put the pen down. 'That's enough sadness in my jurnol for today.' she thought. Her therapists recommended a jurnol or diary to keep things in. This was her first time wrighting in it since getting it a couple days ago. She only actually wrote in it because no one but her was to open the book. This was to create trust between Angel and her therapists as well as her parent. And by parent, she meant dad. Her mother lived far away, but angle still visited and kept on touch. 

She looked over her entry and paused on the name Ashley. Even though it was only her eyes seeing this, she still changed the name. Maybe deep down she didn't want to trust anyone, not even the book. She put the book down and laid on her back. She looked up at the ceiling and listened. She hard one of her dogs scratching his head, the living room TV playing a show. She closed her eyes and began to think. 'Tomorrow will be another day in hell. Hell itself after death will be more welcoming then walking out my room door.' after this she drifted into a sleep, ware she could control anything and everything all.at once.