Ant-Man: Infinity Vore

A Tragedy In One Act

PLANET: EARTH

"I'm Scott Lang. More importantly, I'm Ant-Man. Most importantly, I'm inside Thanos's asshole. I bet you're wondering how I got here. Well, I am, too. And, if anyone can recap the past two days, it's my friend Luis."

Freeze frame. The 'Ant-Man' theme plays.

We zoom into a shitty apartment: it's Luis, holding a blunt.

Luis starts, "So there's this guy, right? He's a big purple thumb man with a scrotum chin, he's trying to get these rocks, right? Well I heard from a guy who heard it from this other guy who heard it from Captain America that this purple dude, he's Thanos, and he's what they call a Titan which probably means he's big or some shit. Anyway, he's getting these stones, right? Infinite rocks. They control the universe or something. Something to do with zodiac signs, I think. Well, Iron Man got stabbed, Spider-Man died, and Thanos snapped his big meaty fingers and half of the universe became dust, right? That's real bad. Like, crazy, hellfire bad. Almost as bad as when I forgot to pick up my nephew from daycare. Well my cousin Roberto, his cousin's sister turned into dust, along with his sister's mom which isn't his mom but a different mom. Anyway, the dust thing, Scott was trapped in the Quantum Realm, which is like the space between atoms or between electrons or microbes or something, when the snap actually happened so he was trapped in there. So Scott was like, 'Yo, get me out of here!' and I was like, 'Yo, I gotta get this guy outta there,' so I swooped in and saved his ass."

Scott interjects, "You did not save me."

Kurt walks in from the kitchen with a Coke Orange Vanilla™ and says, "Once he starts he can't stop, let him do his thing, man."

"And, for the record," Dave says, "he did save your dumb ass."

Scott meekly points at Kurt's drink, "Can you get me a Coke Orange whatever-whatever, too?"

Kurt just glares at him.

Luis continues, "So anyway, I saved Scott, and then we decide to go to the Avengers Headquarters, right? Because, like, there's no way all of the Avengers are dead, so we roll up and Captain America comes out and he's all like, 'Yo! Luis! Homie!' and we hug and do our secret handshake and then he's like, 'Oh, and Ant-Man's here, too.' and Scott's all like, 'Oh my god, Cap! I'm your biggest fan, can't believe I just met you--'"

Scott interjects again, "I actually fought with Cap back in--"

"Seriously, dude?" Kurt says.

Dave just shakes his head, "Nobody wants to hear you brag."

Luis keeps going, "So Captain America is all like, 'Hey, Luis, and also maybe Ant-Man, we need you to help defeat Thanos,' and we're all spooked like, 'I can't fight Thanos, you think I can fight Thanos?' And Cap is all like, 'Yes, I believe in you, Luis. Not Scott though, screw that guy. He's boring and scrawny af.' So anyway, this blonde shows up, right? She's Captain Marvel, she's all like, 'Ay, my main man Fury is dead, wassup?' And we're all like, 'Who are you?' You know, because we don't know she's Captain Marvel yet and so we're all freaking out and stuff. Then she's like, 'Chill out, I'm Captain Marvel.' So we all get together and go to the Thanos planet, right? Because he's an alien. So we roll up in these cool new suits and Thanos is all like, 'Hey, you can't undo destiny,' and I'm like, 'Yeah, I can undo destiny, bitch!' and I shrink down--"

Scott interrupts again, "Actually, this is where I come in."

We zoom on Scott. He smiles. He looks like Paul Rudd in his 20s. You know, when he was in 'Clueless'?

PLANET: TITAN

Thanos' voice booms, "Avengers, you can't undo destiny. Destiny has arrived. I have succeeded." Scott is shrunk down and hiding behind the lifeless body of Captain America. He's panicking, the only ones left fighting are Rocket, Clint, and Rhodey. The rest of the Avengers lay scattered around the battlefield, slain in their desperate fight to avenge the fallen, their corpses covered by the dust from the barren, nightmarish land. A storm begins to rage in the distance, the wind howls.