Confessions of the Tarot

0 - The Fool

I'm more terrified of staying than leaving. I've told no one. Said nothing about it (well, maybe apart from a few friends and a tutor or two, but not to anyone in my family...).

I know that I can survive on my own, and I understand that my path will come with its challenges and risks, but this choice is between my freedom or my family. When have I ever felt like a part of my family? I choose liberty.

I probably sound like I belong in the loony bin, but hear me out. My life has been dictated by my parents for so long. They feed me falsehoods about how I'm limited because of my disability, because of my autism. In the end, it all comes back to my autism. So much of it is all a lie. Just a whole huge string of deceit going back practically two decades that I've had to unravel alone.

So what do I do now?

I suppose I must get out a notebook. Plan my life out properly. Clean out my room so that I'm only left with what I want. Then pack a bag, employ a removals company, apply for and obtain a job or two, rent out a flat and run as fast as I can.

Again, hear me out. I'm not a coward for running from my blood family. I love them, but they're too negative an influence for me to live with. I need solitude in order to properly look after myself. The knowledge that only I am looking out for myself will make me more responsible for myself and my life. I have been in a cage for too long, without knowing enough about the world to feel secure about doing anything under the watch of my parents. Everything about living with my family is like being a prisoner. And no, I have never been treated exactly like my sister. She has always had more opportunities, more luxuries than I have ever thought of, let alone obtained. She is no better than myself. But I've been brainwashed into believing that she is more entitled than myself.

Yes, I sound jealous. For a long time, I was. I'm not now. Because I know that what I'm learning, delving into is something that she'll never believe, let alone delve into herself. The Law of Attraction, and Universal Consciousness, is what I'm talking about.

It's a giant leap that I'm taking. But with the big life I'm manifesting, I think that I have more than a good enough chance to get where I want to be. On stage, a million and one lights shining on me as I sing to a crowd of fifty thousand people hollering my songs and screaming my name. "Ember," they chant, over and over in my head.

It's my dream. The first thing that ever belonged to me, that I ever claimed myself because I wanted it myself. That was one of the first decisions I made on my own, without ties to my parents, sister, family, anyone. Because I wanted it, I want it now, and it will always be mine. I am the greatest singer in the world. I claim it now.

I leap out of the door of that prison.

And into the light.