My truth

1

Everyone has secrets and demons.
Everyone has a way of dealing with them.
Some abuse alcohol or drugs.
Some abuse people they love.
Some lie and cheat.

As for me I know my demons and they cloud my mind and thought process. There's no excuse for the things I do and I get that.

Honestly for the past 2 years I was doing so fucking good. I had my shit together. But then there's always something in the back of my mind that sneaks up on me and whispers " Watch me burn it all to hell"

And I always let that little voice get the best of me and ruin a lot of relationships in my life.

My recent fuck up was with a friend who I truly loved as a friend and possibly more but I decided being friends was best. And I should've kept it that way because she hates me entirely and I don't blame her. I told her I loved her which was true. I made it seem like we'd be together forever but that was a lie. I was already in a "together forever relationship".

And usually what happens is that little voice says " you don't deserve a forever you deserve a for now" and I go with it every time.

And they say "what goes around comes around "
And they say "karma is a bitch"

And that I do know. I also know that karma will come for me hard as hell and I'm ready honestly I'm prepared for the worst. I want karma to hit me harder then it's ever hit. Why? So I can feel what everybody else has felt. I've felt it before but it's not enough. I want it to feel like a beyond scared straight episode. I truly feel that once it happens this little voice will finally go away and stop getting the best of me.

Hopefully when this happens I will be completely sure of myself and my lifestyle.

To those I've hurt, from the bottom of my heart I truly am sorry. I wish you the best and that your learn from a scum like me. I was there for you when you needed me then I gave up on our fantasy that could've been a dream turned to reality. And from what I've seen there's plenty of people that can make you more happy then I can because I can barely be happy myself. I hope God is walking with you through every step and journey you take. I hope you forgive me as I've forgiven you.