my last tears

chapter one

the silence i was buried in making me feel empty inside each second, the powered off tv i looked vacantly at getting lost in the dark screen. i couldn't bare to deal with the tranquility around myself any longer. picking myself up from the indolent pool i was drowning in, my feet somehow managed to walk upstairs, my body trying to uphold itself from the mentality of a cracked floor i never thought i'd fall into.

my figure then restlessly plopped onto my bed, which i wouldn't mind consuming me. as much as i hated the loneliness, it's not like it couldn't get any better than that. the constant words scurried through my head, nothing letting it escape.
im slowly dying anyways. what would hurt if i sped up the process?

...

no matter how deep i looked into it, i found some part of me that questioned if my life was even noticing. the impact it had on others was negligible. im not that type of person who had tons of friends or even a relationship. but is this really how it should end? would anyone even care, it's not like they do now? i looked at the window beside me, the rain tapping constantly on the glass as it's drops trickled down slowly.

my life a water droplet descending at it's pace as others stayed within the top brim of the window, somehow not falling at all. why did it feel as if i was plummeting faster than everyone else? as if i was the only one needing a soft embrace to bring me back up again. pure sorrow filled the room, it was silent except the excessive rainfall reminding me of the same thoughts that replayed in my mind...

yeonjuns pov:

"why is this so hard?" i kept banging my head on the table, the sheet of paper laying onto it untouched and as blank as my ideas. all i needed was inspiration for lyrics, but that wasn't as easy as said. today's been a long day, i thought to myself. take a break, no worries. finally giving into my decision, i lazily walked myself to the couch collapsing onto it, still stressed, and threw my head in my hands. i know i told myself it was okay for a break but i still feel as if im slacking.

all i wanted was to debut and i worked my ass off for that, but now im just sitting on a damn couch "hoping" to get a piddling idea. for fucks sake, how pathetic. soobin probably noticed my chest heaving, and immediately knew something was wrong.
placing his fingertips on my shoulders, he compressed his hands firmly up against the upper part of my back and arms. i felt more at ease when the members would comfort me like this, but it made me feel... childish.

"soobin it's okay i really don't need this right now," i moved my shoulders politely away from his grasp, when he attempted to massage me again. with anger bustling within me at this point, i aggressively shoved his hands away.
"soobin get the hell away i don't need you for every problem i experience in this house," i growled, yet not intending to.

"jesus yeonjun chill," beomgyu said passing by, when i didn't even look at the brat.
"fuck off beom," when he walked (more like ran) away, soobin immediately sat down beside me, draping his arm over my still bend-over back.
"it seems like you wanna talk, and when do, im here but until then-" he was starting to stand up and walk away giving me time to myself, but i tugged at his arm quickly enough to sit him back down. 

"okay i want to talk."

...

soobins pov

i was sitting down on the couch beside him wondering why the hell he had so many mood swings in these past few minutes. one second he's calm and gentle, and the next his hand is clenched around your neck. "what's going on yeonjun, you can always talk to me and you should always remember that," i said still in total confusion onto what just happened.

"i can't write lyrics." i noticed yeonjun was trying to shove all those words out of his mouth before i could judge him, but what? has he never seen those cheesy cartoon shows as a kid to "never give up," because that's how i learned.
"yeonjun i know it's difficult to find the right words but-" i decided to stop talking when i noticed a tear rolled down his face.

"SOOBIN ITS NOT JUST DAMN WORDS," yeonjun got up his chest heaving heavily while his eyes didn't budge to leave its focus on the ground, what was wrong now?
"soobin they have to be words with meaning and i can't find that meaning in my life,"
my heart shattered at the words i'd never imagine him saying. he couldn't find that meaning in life? "yeonjun what do you mean..?" he stood there looking at my face while i still sat on the couch, my insides turning inside out. silence.

throwing my head between my knees, i was really starting to get pissed. why was he doing this? what was truly going on? "yeonjun im asking you a question now answer me," at this point i was standing up, yet his head was still positioned at a down angle.
"DOES TXT MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?"
"soobin please don't."

"DOES OUR GROUP NOT GIVE YOU MEANING IN LIFE? WHAT ABOUT ME? DO I NOT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?" fuck that was deep. i didn't mean to imply it like that but i had to. i loved him... way too much to let him go. shit where did these tears come from?
"you know that after she died i haven't been the same since, SOOBIN YOU KNOW THAT."
"YEONJUN I DO KNOW THAT. AND EVERY TIME I SEE YOU IT HURTS A LOT TO LOOK AT YOU UNHAPPY, TO WATCH YOU IN PAIN, BUT YOU HAVE TO LET GO,"
"WHY SOOBIN?" that was the question i'd ask myself too. but here's the answer... because i have yeonjun, but no i couldn't say that, he would never talk to me again.
he wasn't...

like me.