Waiting For You // Shawn Mendes

We're Not Supposed To Be

"I think about him, but he thinks about her"

.................................................................... 

Here I am, sitting on the arm chair next to the window in my room. My cup of coffee on the small table in front of me and the novel I’m reading in my hand, I have been staring at the same page for over 10 minutes. I think that's not the best time to read. I closed the novel and put it on the table and took my cup of coffee instead. 

The weather is beautiful today, the sun is shining, it's warm but you can still feel a slight cold breeze which makes you feel in Toronto.

I spotted a young boy who I assume is about 6 y/o riding a bicycle and a girl who looks 6 as well riding her bicycle behind him. He kept looking back to check up on her. She seemed to be struggling with keeping steady, 2 seconds later she fell off of her bike, even though it wasn't that bad as she was cycling in a low speed, the boy got off of his bike and rushed to her, he helped her to stand up, and when he was sure that she is okay he hugged her. I found myself smiling instantly looking at them. This somehow reminded me of Shawn and me, I found myself drifting to a whole new place that my mind decided to take me to.

The moments - I thought - we shared. When he used to take my hand in his whenever I was nervous about something. The way we used to understand each other so well that we two would be with a group of people and I would know just by the way he is looking at me that he doesn't like the girl sitting next to him. We were/are connected in a way, it makes me feel worse to see that all of these things meant nothing to him, or was it just my imagination? Am I the one who created all of this to keep myself satisfied? To convince myself that he felt something for me? 

I have been overthinking everything since yesterday. Since he told me he likes someone else. Someone better and someone who gives him what I couldn't give to him. 

I try to push away the image of him and her that keeps lingering in the back of my mind. The thought of him holding her hand, looking at her in the eyes, kissing her... stop Callie, stop!

It's like no matter how hard I try to forget about all of these memories they make their way back to my head again. My mind and heart are in a battle which neither of them will win. My heart wants him, want to feel his touch, to smell his scent and to know the taste of his lips. While my mind wants to keep it's distance, to have some respect for myself and to forget that I once liked him. My mind is more convincing but my heart is blind, it keeps falling for the boys who will end up breaking it, stepping on it and going on with their lives without even knowing of the damage they caused.

I wish I was stronger, I wish it was easier for me to not think about him, but how can I not think about him when he has been the one haunting my thoughts for two years, the one I created all of these romantic scenarios with in my head. 

I'm snapped out of my thoughts by a knock on the door.

"come in" I said whipping a tear that unintentionally escaped from my eye.

" hiiii" here he was standing by the door, wearing his black hoodie and black skinny jeans. His scent is all over the place and his smile lightening the room and the darkness inside me.

"hi" I said flashing him a weak smile.

"are you okay?" he asked making his way to me.

"yeah, I think I have a cold" I lied because I didn't want him to notice that my voice is cracked.

"we can stay home today if you're not feeling okay" he asked rubbing my arm gently. His touch sent shivers down my spine and I tried my hardest to ignore it.