My First Love @joprbooks

Love is a crazy thing. Sometimes it comes at the perfect time, sometimes it's unexpected, and sometimes it will ruin your life because of the timing. That's one thing that's reliable about love: it's unreliable. Some people fall hard, some people fall fast, some people fall slow, and some people let it slip past.

His name? Micah. Honestly I don't even remember the day I meet him. I thought he was a gross middle school boy who was very athletic and had awful shaggy hair. Even though I disregarded him as disgusting, he still captured my attention. I am so very thankful for that encounter with him. His family convinced me to join their bible study class and eventually to transfer to their amazing school. Now over this period I had radically changed my friend group and my outlook on life. I met a girl named Taylor and to this day we are inseparable and are necessary in the other's life. Now here's the twist. Micah is Taylor's older brother by two years. Until the end of my eighth grade year I thought of Micah as a purely platonic relationship. I viewed him as my unwanted brother who teased me and bickered with me. Then my life took a turn that would change it forever.

 I hit rock bottom. I was depressed and suicidal and anxious and had no where to turn. My home life and school life were in shreds and my health was falling apart moment by moment. Taylor was my only true friend but I couldn't turn to her. At the time we weren't close enough to exchange on that personal of a level. So I reached out to Micah. Why you ask? In retrospect I think I may have already had a fondness for him that had grown over the summer. Micah became my absolute best friend. He encouraged me and supported me and was there for me when no one else was. He learned how to peel away my layers and learned my secrets. He pursued me even when I said I didn't want to talk because he knew how I truly felt. He saw me at my best and still was there for me at my worst. He literally spent an hour looking for a video to send me to cheer me up. Both Micah and I aren't one for hugs but he knew just when I needed an embrace. Micah was truly my best friend. My surface level friends called us the married couple for the fact of how in tune we were with each other and how we interacted. We went on vacations and explored the world together, all as mere high schoolers. We just lived life together. There was only one problem: Taylor didn't know Micah and I were close.

And then one night that fall it hit me. The realization of my feelings for Micah. I was in love. I was in love with the shaggy haired boy. I wept. I wept over the fact that I didn't want anything to change in our relationship. I wept that I didn't want to lose him. And I wept over the fact that I would have to keep this from Taylor. I couldn't figure out when it happened. Was it all those late night conversations? Was it the dining hall experiences on the cruise? Was it the constant encouragement? Was it his caring nature and how he protected me when I passed out unconscious on him for thirty minutes and when he took care of me when I was sea sick? Was it the fact that he embodied every characteristic that I desired in a husband? Was it the fact that he knew me inside and out and still loved me? Every time I talked with him from that point on something was different. I knew it wasn't the right time. Yet every time he'd tell me he'd love me my heart would burst pondering if he meant it as a friend or something more. I tried so hard to move on. I cried over the fact that my heart wouldn't listen to my head. Micah, the shaggy haired boy, had broken my heart but healed it at the same time. Was this what love felt like? I couldn't imagine a world without him. But that day would come much sooner than I expected.

Fall passed within the blink of an eye. Winter and Spring were not so fortunate. Slowly Micah drifted away from me. Something had happened and I didn't know what. He tore me apart with his absence and eventually we moved on to dead pastures. Summer ticked by and we had the awkward "hey" whenever we would run into each other at his house. My heart still fluttered and broke around him. Late one night we had a conversation I never would have believed if I hadn't been there. He pulled me aside and looked into my eyes. He asked me a question that caught me off guard. "Did you like me last year?" He looked at me as vulnerable as a puppy who was six weeks old. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to hit him and cause as much pain to him as he did to me with that statement. I reluctantly looked up at him and muttered the word yes. He then did something that shocked me even more. "I'm sorry. I liked you too and I was too prideful to admit it. I had never felt the way I did about a girl until you came along and I didn't know how to handle it. I'm sorry." With that he walked away leaving my mouth agape.

Somehow our relationship returned to the constant teasing and bickering when we were around one another like brother and sister. It never evolved into a talking relationship. It was as if that conversation had never happened. He doesn't own up to it even to this day. They say I'm too young to love. Love isn't an emotion. Love is an action, a choice. We loved each other and still do to this day. We might not have the emotion attached to it but we will never not care for the other. We will always be there for each other if the other is in need. And most of all we choose this destiny.

Looking back I now realize that Micah has cared for me all along. Through the constant bickering and teasing and protection he was just showing his love. As for Micah and I he now lives six hours away at college and I'm finishing up my high school career. That's the thing about first love. Sometimes it's the right time and sometimes it's not. This was just not meant to be at the time. Fate has a funny way of working. Sometimes first love can be rekindled in the blink of an eye. Sometimes people drop a bomb on you after you've said your goodbyes and you won't see them for five months.

"Adair...you are amazing. I love you so much; seeing you was awesome and literally hearing that I made an impact in your life basically made me cry and made my life...I still love you as much as I did when I "liked" you haha, I think you're absolutely wonderful and I'm so proud of who you've become and who you're becoming. Funny story:my mom at lunch was like "I still think you should marry Adair" and I was like "I know mom" haha...plus i'm just waiting for you to finally like me again so ya know, there's always that :)"

Is your first love truly ever gone?