For a split second • Alex Gaskarth • Hayley Williams • fanfiction

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Hayley's POV***

His face, it's expression looks guilty and sad. He's trying to act off as soothing and calm for me. He doesn't know that I can see right through him, of course I can, it's been years. I don't want him to feel any guilt, it was all me, he's been trying so hard to make me happy and care for me he doesn't deserve this, I fell of the grid for a split second, that's all. But it's harder to understand for others.

I admire his face, I'm so glad I get to gaze at that beautiful face again. I love him. He's... perfect, everything I've ever needed. He's the type of boyfriend that your father would want of a boy, he's kind and loyal and ever so sweet. He's got dark green eyes which I find myself studying a lot. His hair swifts across his head, like a side fringe but it's too long to be a fringe, it's a dark blonde colour although he wants it to be dyed. He's slim, but the type of slim girls would die for... I would die for...  he's insecure and self conscious and yet I never understood it, he's perfect in my eyes. My worst fear is to loose him, the love of my life. Loosing the way he snuggles up to me tighter when we wakes during the night, loosing the affection which I have been dying to receive for so long and I finally get it.. from him. I like me better when I'm with him.

We met a few years ago, when we were in school. We were kinds friends for a while but it turned into just sex but of course me being me I got attached, but I ended up getting what I wanted, which was him.
I got discharged almost hours after I woke up, I didn't mind, I got to go to my actual bed, with Alex.

There have been other suicide attempts in the past, I overdosed in December 2017 and was taken to hospital for a shit load of tests but they didn't get them out. That was my first suicide attempt. Although now I have bad and weak moments, I would still honestly be alive with Alex than dead without him, even though sometimes it doesn't seem like that.

We got home and into bed, he wrapped his warm and long arms all around me, maybe to make sure I couldn't escape and leave him. I really do love him, and I know he loves me.

I feel so guilty for what happened, about my arm.. he hasn't even looked at it, I guess it'll hurt him to see.. it's better to ignore than face problems head on. I don't want to hurt him either. I don't know what to do to make this better. What would've happened if I had died like I intended to?