Hua Ze Lei sits out in the roof under the morning sun and reflects on everything that he has learned in the past few days. Change has never been his strong suit and he is trying hard to adjust to the way things are now.
Having learned of Ah Si and Shancai formalizing their relationship had not been a surprise, what was a surprise was how he felt after hearing the news from just about everyone in their inner circle. Even now, how he was feeling was a puzzle he was having a hard time solving.
Lei lifts his face to the morning sun and feels its warmth shower down on him. There was still a chill in the air and he knew the sun would eventually be engulfed by the clouds and that's as close as he could come to describe how he felt, engulfed. The emotions he was feeling were so unexpected they threatened to engulf his everyday inner calm. Leaving to visit his family had been a good excuse to get away for a while and gather his thoughts and although he knew the guys sensed what he was doing none of them voiced any questions, least of all Ah Si with who he had come to an unspoken understanding as Shancai had made her choice.
F4 had been together long enough to know when one of them needed time alone and there were certain questions you needn't ask between brothers.
Lei was coming to the slow realization that he was mourning, this was the feeling sitting so heavily on his chest. He didn't know the exact moment he started to care for Shancai, he could no more pinpoint the day, hour, moment than knowing the instant you stopped loving someone.
All Lei knew was that he could tell the others that he had pursued Shancai to help her and Ah Si admit their true feelings for each other but he could not lie to himself. Yes, it had started because he had seen his friend waver and have fear for the first time since he had know him. But he had also wanted to know why his heart felt like it was about to burst when Shancai looked at him. The feeling was so different than what he felt for Jing. Whereas Jing was a peaceful calming love, Shancai was an unpredictable ever changing feeling he fought to let go.
Today he would let himself mourn. Tomorrow or the next day, or the day after that, he would be happy for his friends and the love they had found in each other. But today he would finally allow himself to feel the loss of Shancai.
While in Taiwan, Lei had thought about that defining moment in the lives of all three, Shancai,
Ah Si and himself. The trip to Paris had been what had set all three in a different path. His own decision to follow Jing to Paris had irrecoverably taken Shancai away from him, yet Lei would not trade those weeks with Jing even if he could go back, he had loved her too much and for too long to not have taken the risk at a life with her. But he had never thought that their time together would last for such a brief time. The pain of loosing Jing had been unbearable as she had been the first everything in his life, his first love, first kiss, first woman he held in his arms after feeling completely spent. They would live parallel lives now and while some may find this sad, he was content in the knowledge that he coexisted in a world where Jing is living a happy life.
The feelings he had for Shancai had come so suddenly he had questioned himself if maybe they had always been there but he had just ignored them. Because he had always known how she felt for him, he had taken it for granted that the smile and lingering looks she gave him would always be there. Lei had appreciated being looked at like that, he felt she had seen him not as a child who grew into a man she found attractive like Jing had seen him, but as just a man Shancai had liked and he had greedily accepted those warm glances and those sweet smiles even when they drove Ah Si crazy with jealousy. Lei had left and found as he returned broken hearted a different Shancai. Although she denied liking or dating Ah Si there was something different, something even she had not been aware of yet.
His mind went back to that fateful night at the beach that had nearly cost him his lifelong friendship to Ah Si but even now, Lei could not bring himself to regret it. The memory of kissing Shancai will be among the many other moments he will hold dear for the rest of his life. It didn't make it right, and there was no excuse Ah Si would have listened to that night, but sitting there with his heart aching he had turn to see Shancai crying because of his pain and he could not stop himself, he'd wanted to make them both feel better, he had needed that kiss more than Shancai would ever know. Lei would be forever grateful to her for having given him the privilege of being her first love.
It was funny how things had turned out, the small girl with the powerful kick had tamed the wild DaoMing Si and Lei knew they were the perfect match, he had seen it from the first moment they crossed paths and it was useless to wonder what if?
And yet those two words were all Lei could not help but place in front of so many questions he ask himself. What if he had not backed down? What if he had told Shancai he, who hated milk tea had walked into the tea shop because he had been curious about her? What if he had not purposely gone out of his way to have the worst date with Shancai so she could look at Ah Si differently? What if he would have told her how worried and how much he had missed her when she disappeared? What if he had said his heart was just as broken while she desperately searched for a pendant on that cold morning? And what if he had said she was the only one he had ever confessed to while he played his violin? Not even Jing..what if?
Now as he sat there replaying those what if moments he closes his eyes and listens to the sound of those familiar footsteps as they rounded the corner, Shancai was coming , like he knew she would, she has never disappointed him when it comes to being there when he needs to see her.
Lei opens his eyes and waits for Shancai to reach him and just as he expected she is glowing with happiness and prettier than ever.
Shancai stops in front of him and has a barrage of questions for him.
"When did you get back to Shanghai?"
"How is your family situation?"
"How are you?"
"Why are you here?"
Each question is like a pin in his heart so he answers all at once "Yesterday", "Good" , "Because I wanted to come here"
What he doesn't say is he had wanted to see her, just her even if for just a few minutes.
Instead he says "What about you, why are you here?" Shancai quickly answers "The same reason as you" yet Lei knows this cannot be true because if she knew what was in his heart she may not have come to the roof, so he simply smiles and listens as Shancai tells him it's good to have him back and inquires about his future plans.
Lei has no other plans other than the recital and this is what he share with her but then suddenly exited, Shancai tell him how much she likes listening to him play the violin and all he can say is "Is that so?" And as she nods her agreement Lei takes a breath before asking Shancai a question he already knows the answer to but still needs to ask " Shancai, you and Ah Si are officially together right?" Before she can answer he continues
"I think it's a good start" Shancai agrees and adds "It just turn out this way" Lei thinks about how she is still unaware this was how it was always meant to be. Lei has thought about what he is about to tell Shancai and he hopes he can sound so convincing that he can also fool himself.
"Actually I have mixed feelings about it, it's a little happy and a little sad" he pauses for a second and continues "On one hand I hope things between you and Ah Si go smoothly, on the other hand you're special to me" when she questions being special he readily answers "To put it bluntly, you're like my pet" Lei watches Shancai react to this as she simply sighs and says "Pet? Never mind, what do I expect you to say?"
"You should be happy " he tells her "We should all be happy, you're my good friend's girlfriend, this way we can be friends forever" And some day soon I will mean these words he silently vows. Lei stands up and tells Shancai he must go practice, but this is yet another excuse as he can't trust himself to say something he cannot take back. As he is walking away Shancai calling his name stops him "Lei, you know I liked you before right?" He stands there unable to turn and face her and he thinks, what if I say "Yes, I've always known and having done nothing may be my one and only regret I'll have when it comes to you" but instead he turns his head slightly to look over his shoulder and simply says "Goodbye, Shancai" As Lei walks away he also says goodbye to the last what if? as he must now face the reality of what is.
