Coming out I guess

The one and only chapter

I always knew who I am. Always. I just didn't always like it, or want it. Neither did my family. When I was around age 5 I asked my mom, what if I was a boy? She only shook her head and said that I wasn't and that I was a girl. I pushed those feelings away. Until I was 8 when I asked again. Her response was the same. In about 3rd or 4th grade, I started dressing more masculine. More jeans and t-shirts and fewer dresses and skirts. My mom just thought I was becoming a punk-type. In the back of my mind though, I knew I wasn't like all the other girls.

12 years old, and that's when I was first questioning my sexuality. All my life I had heard about gay people, but on the very hush hush. So when I first developed feelings for a girl, I was quick to push them away. 14 years old, and that's when I was bullied and rumored to be a lesbian. I was crushed, someone misunderstood my actions and told the school I was a lesbian. People stopped wanting to talk to me. Except for my four best friends. They were always there for me. When I was just about to turn 15, I realized I was only upset about being called a lesbian was because, well, I turned out to think I was bisexual and was afraid of it. A few months after that I was in a relationship with another girl, and nothing felt more right. After that, I was still questioning my gender. As I learned more and more about the LGBT community, I learned more about myself. I thought I was pansexual and genderqueer.

17, I had my first boyfriend. I was non-binary and asexual/panromantic. That label fit well for a while. My boyfriend was transgender, when we met he was pre-transition. He was the first person I had fallen in love with. When he did transition I thought about my own gender identity. Flash forward to 18 and I came out as transmale. That was scary. It has taken me over a year to get my family to accept this. I've changed my name and pronouns and my family just can't seem to grasp it. Now I'm 19 and I think I'm more non-binary than anything. I still love "girly" thing and very "boyish" things. I'm scared to tell my family because I don't want them to think of me as a liar, of course, I still want to keep my name what it is and same pronouns. The thing is, I am terrified of being who I am.