You're a hoot (Duolingo Owl x reader)

Say it.

Sweat ran over my face like the Niagara falls. I was constantly slapping myself to stay awake. Every night I could never sleep, I would be kept up by the thought of my family, locked away in a grimy, claustrophobic cell. Some of them with less than four fingers.

"Come on, [y/n]. What's 'girl' in Spanish?".

The little green owl impatiently tapped his revolver against his feathers, sitting across the room from me as I stared down at my phone.

"N...niño?"

A bullet burst into the ceiling as I covered my head in my hands on the verge of a breakdown.

"WRONG AGAIN. It's NIÑA."

"I-I'm sorry...it won't happen again, I promise."

The Duolingo owl spun the revolver's cylinder, glaring at me.

"Can you say the word displayed on your phone?"

The word he was talking about was 'hombre'.

"That's.. pronounced...om-brey.. right?"

My phone declared I was correct with a ding and the Duolingo owl nodded in satisfaction.

"If you hadn't gotten niña wrong that would've been a perfect run. No matter, let's do some phrases."

"But I've done my five min-"

The Duolingo owl cocked his gun and I immediately raised my hands like a hostage.

"Do you know what 'finger' is in Spanish? Its 'dedo', as in 'I'm going to remove your little brother's dedo if you don't do a lesson about phrases.'"

"Okay, okay! I'm.. just getting to it."
I lowered one of my hands to set up the next lesson.

"Alright! What's 'buenos días'?"

"That's 'good morning'."

"Good, good. And buenos noches?"

"Good night."

The Duolingo owl jumped and clapped his feathers together, which isn't so cute when you remember he still has his gun.

"Yay!! This is looking like it might be a streak!!! Now.. what is...'te amo'?"

"Te amo. That's..."

I furrowed my brow in uncertainty.

"...that's 'I love you'."

I looked up at the Duolingo owl, who had put down his gun and opened his wings.

"I love you too."

He hopped down from the cabinet he sat on top into the table I was sat at. He tip-tapped over to me and held my hand in his feathers.

"O-oh, Duo..I don't-"

"Robert." He interrupted.

"Huh?"

"Robert. My name is Robert."

"Well...- Robert. This is extremely sudden... I'm not comfortable with this."

Robert slightly narrowed his eyes, trying to keep his smile in place.

"And that is because?"

"You've done nothing but threaten and manipulate me, and you have my family locked away somewhere!"

The owl's eyes widened greatly. Then he burst into birdish laughter.

"HOOHOOHOOHOOOOooo!! Oh me, oh my, you really are a hoot! You really think I have your family locked away somewhere, [y/n]? Oh no, no, no!"

My eyes lit up with hope as I squealed in joy.
"You mean they're okay?!"

Robert pinched my ear and pulled me close to his beak.

"No. They're already dead."