The Series Of Completely Unnessecary Events

Where I introduce you to my shitty female lead

I, Aleksandra Fab-a-lot, (blonde, blue eyed and bored) was out for my afternoon walk by some lake somewhere. I happened to glance at the shore (which means my feet, if you're dumb) because....coincidence. A faint but capturing glow of silver hit my eye.

"Ouch!" I yelped. Lol, no.

"Cool," I said, because this is how real people react to glowing water.

It was at the old McMillan property so I had to be careful. Weird stuff happened there to pretty Mary Sues such as myself. It was creepy. Pink taffeta hung from the doorway and an old grandma lady knitted a cat sweater that was pink and horrifyingly ugly. She herself was an old fart, with her beehive hairdo and green teeth.

Her shirt was calico. And cheetah. And pink.

So, origami.

I glanced away from her and her dead husband in the rocking chair beside her, and focused back on the radioactive stuff instead of calling an ambulance or something.

I ran to the shore and looked into the green water. The glow once again claimed my beautiful yet brick stupid orbs. It was like I was in a trance, guys. I reached down in to the lake of Somewhere and fished out a small necklace. It was a silver dragon wraped around a small watery spere.

Small is my favorite adjective, by the way.

I am small, the world is small, this beach is small, that guy checking me out has Erm...SHORTS that are small, (come on guys, like I'd say dick) and my middle finger is small when I flip him off for absolutely no reason.

"Now why was something so small in the water?" I asked myself out loud. I turned it and I sweat I saw the watery substance move. It did jazz hands at me like this is a poorly used simile.

"Aleksandra, that. Is. Awesome." said Posieden.

"I know right?"

I felt power surge through me as I put on the necklace.

Because, you know, AIDS.

"Weird," I said, talking to myself again.

"Totally, dude." Said Posiden.

I stared at the object for quite a while, but it just looked like I was looking down the crack of my gigantic boobs.

My mom yelled, "Aleksandra, come back! I know you hear me even though I am a mile away!"

"OKAY." I yelled back. It was time to go back. Because I was small.

I ran over seven meters (because that's a mile) and a forest to my four story Hollywood House that just happens to be in the woods.

"Where have you been?!" Asked my mother as she stormed out of the house's doubled doors right on cue. Fat rolls hung over her hips and her trailer park worthy white bra and panties were her only clothing. She raised her fist angrily and shook it at me, but it had to be her right one because our six chihuahua puppies were in her purse in her left arm. "I called you like, seven times."

My mom is a model. That's why we're so rich. And we for some reason live in the woods.

"Mom," I said, rolling my eyes. "I ALWAYS go on walks. You know that. Why so jumpy?"

She fluttered her mascara caked eyelashes and rubbed her seahorse earrings. "I hate you." She declared. "Hate hate hate you. Because I gave birth to you. I hate you."

I said nothing, but I felt tears well up in my eyes. WHY DID THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?!

"Well anyway, I bought you a banana suit for Halloween. And I heard you were poking around the McMillan property. DEBRA and HERSCHEL texted me even though they don't know how to work cell phones and we have no service in the woods. Anyway, I was scared I'd never see you again, honey."

"Mom, I thought you hated me."

"I do! Go die somewhere!"

"YOU NEVER HAVE TIME FOR ME." I screeched like a banshee. She was so perfect and famous that she didn't care about her only daughter. But instead of trying to make it better I just wailed really loud until she paid attention to me.

"I don't care," She waved her hand in a dismissive gesture. And then she slapped my right boob. "Nice necklace. i LIKEYYYYY."

"SHUT UP MOM." I ran crying very hard to my room because my mother abused me.