ԃσɳ'ƚ ƈԋαɳɠҽ < ʝαƈԋαɾყ

1

friday, 19th of april, 2019

dear zach,

today is the 19th of april. also known as the day you rejected me.

i'm not gonna like, it crushed me a little inside, but what crushed me even more is the reason you gave me.

i remember it too clearly.

i walked up to you and let out a shaky breath, before lightly tapping your shoulder. you turned to face me quickly, and a wide smile overtook your face. my heart melted entirely, and i almost forgot entirely what i was going to say.

i took you up to my room, and you genuinely seemed really worried, which immediately made me feel bad. i caught the look you gave yourself when you looked into the mirror, but at the time i didn't take notice of it; now it makes sense.

i was shaking like CRAZY, you don't even understand! when i sat you down, and grabbed your hands in my own, i thought you'd be able to feel the shaking, but apparently not. thank god.

"zach, i have something to tell you." i breathed out fearfully, and i watched your gorgeous brown eyes snap up to my face, and just with one look i knew i could do it.

"zach, i really like you and i'd love it if you let me take you out on a date." my confidence was fake, i can assure you that. i could hear my heart thumping in my ears, as i watched your eyes widen, and slowly, a breathtaking smile formed on your face, and one simultaneously made its way onto my own. you sat there for a while, completely silent, and i was kinda scared, but then you finally spoke, and i couldn't breathe.

"jack, i really like you too-" you started, and i remember my entire mind exploding a little (not to be dramatic), "but i can't date you." my heart shattered slightly in confusion, i really didn't understand what was happening. your eyes looked so pained, and i could see the soft layer of tears forming in them. i felt awful, and i didn't know what was going on.

"w-why?" i stuttered out, trying to hold up my facade, most likely completely unsuccessfully.

"jack," you started softly, your hand coming up to cup my cheek, making me look deeply into your eyes, "i can't ever properly like you until i like myself. until then, i'm sorry, but my answer is no."

then, you left the room. i was utterly confused. but what hurt me more was finding out that you don't love yourself. you're too beautiful and precious to be insecure.

therefore, i've decided to write you this diary. my goal is to make you love yourself, because that's what you deserve. i'll give this to you when i finally manage to take you out on a date.

i've started noticing it all now though. i've noticed the hiding of your body, i've noticed the hats and sunglasses, the hoodies, the glances you make at the shards of glass; you're in the mirror but you're not seeing yourself.