Midnight Thoughts

Home Again

My eyelids felt heavy, but I forced them to open, so tired of the darkness behind them. I am met by bright lights stinging at my eyes, but I'm determined to keep my eyes open. When the light slowly fades and the world comes into focus, I see him. He's sitting at the foot of the bed, head hung low, eyes closed, and hands laid folded in his lap, as if he were praying for even the slightest of a miracle. I hear the gentle beeping of the monitor in my ear and slowly push myself up into a sitting position, wincing at the stiffness in my body. My movements catch his attention and he turns to look at me.

I take him in.

His eyes looked so tired, filled with fear and sadness. It broke my heart. They were red and puffy. He had been crying. His hair flat compared to the usual tousled look it always had to it. It was as if he hadn't slept in days. Despite all of that, his expressions still held a soft and gentle look to them. He looked at me the way he always had, with love. Something I hadn't experienced for so long.

"Hi," I whisper hoarsely and look down at my lap, taking in all the wires stuck in me.

"Hi," he shutters out.

When I look up again I see his eyes filled with tears. They were like oceans, oceans I could always get lost in. I hadn't seen those same beautiful eyes in so long. Before, they had looked at me lovingly and with a fierce fire to them, they had been home, but lately they were just a distant memory that I had spent countless nights wishing would come back to me. Come back to comfort me because without them I had felt lost.

"What are you doing here?" I murmur.

"I've been waiting for you," he whispers sadly. "I've been waiting for you to come back to me. I couldn't lose you, not like this."

"I've been waiting too," I mumble. "But you never came back..."

Tears pricked at my eyes. I was stupid for saying that. It made me sound desperate and pitiful. But it was the truth. He was the one that left and I waited. I waited but he never came back, so I chose to be the one to leave this time.

"Why did you do it?" He sobs.

I had to look away from him. I hurt him. The pain was clearly written on his face and his voice, his voice cut deeper than a knife ever could. I hurt him. He hurt me first. I never planned to hurt him. I just wanted to let him go.

"Cause you got to leave. You got to leave and be okay despite everything I gave you. You got to be happy and got the strength to move on like this all never even happened."

Tears were running freely down my face now, but I didn't even try to wipe them away.

"You got to be free while I sat there waiting for you. I waited for you but you never gave me a second thought! What happened to never hurting me!? Why can't I be free and move on!? Cause I'm still stuck here and I'm not happy anymore!"

I hadn't realized I raised my voice.

I try to continue, but I couldn't choke down the sobs anymore. I just let them consume me. Just let the hurt take over.

"I'm sorry..." he says through tears.

"Don't say that if you don't mean it," I sob. "Cause you know I'll say I forgive you."

He scoots closer to me and grabs my hand. He looks at the scars that littered my wrists. I wasn't proud of it, but I wouldn't show him that. I let him look at them. Let him see the pain that I've been trying to run away from.

"I am sorry though," he says hoarsely. "I'm sorry that I was selfish enough to leave you when all you needed was me to support you. You were going through so much, and I didn't understand. All I knew was that I wasn't okay either. How was I supposed to help you when I couldn't help myself? You were so scared, and I was just as scared. I thought maybe if I stepped away from us, that we would find it in ourselves to get better again. You were doing so well too, but I know that when I asked, I was always told that some nights it was like you were losing your battles. I never thought it would get this far. You're strong, so so strong. I believe that you are, even with where we are right now. You believed in us even when I faltered. You fought for us even when I grew distant and tired. I don't deserve you, but after going so long without you and almost losing you, I know now. I know that I can't live without you. You're my better half and I almost lost you for good. I can't live with myself knowing I hurt you so bad. I don't deserve your forgiveness."

It was his turn to cry now. I had only ever seen him cry on a few occasions, and no matter what it always hurt to see him do so. Lifting my hands, I gently place them on his face and wipe away his tears. I know I could never wipe away his pain, but I could at least ease it and go through it with him. I always did that.

"I forgive you...," I whisper. "I shouldn't, but I do because I love you."

His sobs grow stronger, as if he had been waiting for me to say that for so long. I scoot over a little to allow him room to join me in the bed. I hug him close. His head buried in my shoulder. Sobs wracking his body. All I could do was hug him.

"I don't ever want to lose you again," he cries.

"You never lost me," I comfort. "You just lost yourself, and I was willing to wait until you found yourself again. Maybe I lost myself too. But I know who I am, I just wish I realized that sooner."

"Why did you wait?" He asks, calming down a little.

"I waited because I knew that we would be together forever, but you just needed to realize that too. I can't force you to feel that way. Love is gentle and tender and unconditional and so very unexpected. It's not forced or aggressive." I reply. "No matter how many times you told me to force you to stay if you tried to leave, I couldn't. I couldn't live with myself if I was forcing you to love me."

I let out a sigh, and wipe away my tears. He sits up. His eyes meeting mine. Just like he's done before, he moves my hands and gently brushed away my tears with his thumbs. I let him. I couldn't hide my tears anymore. I shouldn't have hid them in the first place. His eyes looked at me in questioning. I just nod gently and close my eyes.

His lips meet mine and it takes my breath away. Just as it always has time and time again. No amount of being away from him could change that. My heart skips a beat. He didn't need to say anymore. The way he kissed me said it all. It said everything he could never express in words. All the love and pain.

He pulls away, and just holds me close. He holds me like God may try to take me away from him. I wasn't going anywhere.

I was home again.

I know he knew he couldn't ever take my pain away, but him being there to make it easier to fight through was all that matters. He would be the reason I win my battles.