Unlikely Killer

Completed Short Story

I wrote this story while going through a bad bout of depression. I knew I was a Bi-polar sufferer, but knew very little about what that meant. This story helped me come to terms with the two sides of me, and how they affected my life. Since this story was written, I have taken myself through Cognitive Behaviour therapy (CBT) and have found some sort of balance, but I will never forget how writing this helped me accept who I am, bad and good. 

I would love to hear your comments, bad or good. Thanks for taking the time to read it. 

Lyneal :)

                                                    UNLIKELY KILLER

Trapped behind the glass, the despair runs through me. She is back. I watch as she slowly destroys the future I have been making for myself, ruining everything I have fought so hard to achieve.

I am dismayed as she trespasses on my life once more. How does she still have the power to take control? Have I not fought long and hard to banish her from existence? Each time I think I have destroyed her, she returns as if to discredit my pitiful struggle, reminding me that no matter what I do, she will always be there watching and waiting.

I despise everything she stands for. How can someone who is so weak and pathetic still manage to dominate me? She has no will to live her life, yet she still insists in controlling mine, only allowing me out when she hasn’t the strength to survive it alone.

As I catch a glimpse of her in the mirror, hate for her fuels my determination. She will not win. Although in captivity, I am and will always be the stronger of the two. Whereas fear dominates her life, hope and determination govern mine.

As a child I was unable to detect the destructiveness within her. Believing her cruel words, I allowed her to control the direction of my life. This is no more. I am now aware of whom she is and the damage she causes, and with each breath I fight to expel her from my life.

My increasing abhorrence for her and all she stands for only causes to fuel my desire to be free, helping me to break the bonds that she has secured me in. I will one day kill her, even if it’s with my last dying breath.

With relief I am finally free of the restrictions she has imposed on me. I approach her knowing that this battle will now be won. Even if I lack the strength to eradicate her for good, I can at least lock her away where she will be unable to harm me any longer.

***

As I hurry past I catch a glimpse of her in the mirror. I know she will be coming soon and my heart races in response. Even out of her sight I can feel her loathing for me. She is getting ready to try and kill me as she has many times before.

If she succeeds nobody will miss me as I am invisible to the world, or at best someone to be pitied. She is well liked as she is confident and sure of herself. There are no words that can hold her back, and she fights against the injustices of her life with a passion and determination that I cannot muster.

She is an unlikely killer, but one just the same as she would take my life without pity or guilt.

As I race down the dark endless corridor, her disgust follows me. She understands that she is strong and that I am weak.

I know I am pathetic and this knowledge keeps me from becoming like her. I trust in the condemning words of others and she hates me for this, believing that I am the element that has always held her back. She desires that the bond between us could be broken, but it is too strong. We are tied more closely than family or friend could ever be, ensuring that I will always be in her life.

She has fought against me since the moment we became aware of each other’s existence. Never once embracing me, but condemning my right to live.

As she draws closer I understand that she is right. I am weak. Unlike her I hang my head in defeat when faced with the trials of life, knowing that there is no way I can raise to the challenges that have been sent my way.

So many times she has been forced to come to my rescue, carry the burden as I am unable to shoulder it. She never cries whereas I always do. She never doubts herself as I always do. I understand why she hates me so much as I also despise myself.

She believes that I should be able to control the torment within while not understanding that the anguish defines who I am.

She is humiliated by me. I understand this as I too, am ashamed of who I am. But that does not mean I want to die. Even with the pain I feel, I want to survive and I will fight to have that right.

Has not her abhorrence of me been the reason she has fought so hard? Am I not responsible for the success she has achieved? Without the reminder of how feeble I am, how would she strive to be superior?

In my heart I know that she will never acknowledge this. For years she has tried to deny my existence, keeping me hidden from the world, trying desperately to find a way to kill me. As of yet she is not strong enough. She can only manage to hide me away in darkness, but I am aware that she is getting stronger.

Sometimes she forgets that I lurk in the background and this allows me the chance to come out into the light. When I do, I catch a glimpse of the panic surrounding her awareness that I am still there, before she fights to banish me once again. Although I am weak I can win my freedom, if only for a short time.

As she draws closer to me, my will to fight starts to dissolve. As usual, I will lose this battle and once again, I will be held in captivity. I fight as I believe that I too have a voice. She believes I have no right to speak, that there is not a place in this world for me.

She is forcing me into the darkness again and I push against her, saying such hurtful and condemning things as I try to break her resolve.

As always, she triumphs, and I am pushed into my cage where all I can do is wait patiently for an opportunity to escape once again.

I am weak and full of self-loathing, yet she lives in fear of me. Even when she is in control she avoids the mirror in the dread that one day I may be looking back at her with enough strength to break the restraints she has bound me in, knowing that she can never truly kill me.

 For are we not two halves of the same person? Forever destined to fight the war for control.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I would love to hear any feedback off you, bad or good. :)