The Worst Feeling

It happened so fast. I couldn't take it all in at once. I stood there speechless, tightly holding the phone  to my ear.

"Okay" Is all I am able to choke out before I pull the phone off my ear and hit 'end'.

I look up to my friends with teary eyes. 

"Are you okay?"

"What happened?"

"Who was that?"

I try to talk, but I can't. My throat feels as if it's glued shut and if I try to open it, I'll burst into tears.

So I run. I can't handle the pain of saying it out loud. I don't care if it's going to take an hour to get home on foot. But I run as fast as I can.

I want to be in the comfort of my bed room.

I run as fast as I can down the road holding my bags tightly to my side. I'm starting to slow down. My calves are burning from the running at my track meet. 

But I don't care.

I pick up speed and fly down the roads with little effort.

I'm not going to cry in public.

I won't do it.

I want to be at home. Hidden away from the world, underneath my blankets.

I can hear my phone ringing from my bag.

My friends want to know what happened.

I'm not ready to tell anyone yet. I don't want to believe it myself.

I desprately want this to be a dream. But I know it's not. I'm living a nightmare.

I push open my front door and slam it closed. I quickly run up the stairs to my room, drop my bags on the floor, and throw myself onto the bed.

I let the tears flow. It's safe to cry now. I won't let people see. I want to be strong. I can't be weak.

I can feel the tears running down my cheeks onto the pillow sitting on my lap. I can feel my heart beating rapidly, my breathing getting heavier, my ears ringing, my sobbing.

I shove the pillow onto my face and scream. I can't help it.

It hurts. 

A lot.

I've never felt this much pain in my whole life. 

My sobbing gets louder as I think back to the moment it all happened.

My phone ringing.

Hearing the dreadful news.

My heart stopping, eyes filling with tears, and my breathing getting heavy.

Saying 'Okay' then quickly hanging up.

I shove my face back onto my pillow and continue to cry until I fall asleep.

Whenever the subject of 'heart break' came up, I ignored it. I thought it was just some stupid saying that people said after break ups. That 'heart break' wasn't a feeling, it was just an expression.

I told myself I would never be heart broken because it didn't exsist.

I was wrong.

Very, very wrong.

I could feel it. Right in my heart. It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest, tore it to shreds, and carelessly put it back.

It was a feeling. The worst pain I have ever experienced. It's the type of pain you can never forget. Once it happens, you never want it to happen again.

I drag myself in the halls at school. Stareing straight ahead, ignoreing everybody.

I'm not talking to anyone. I'm not telling anyone until I'm ready.

But I'm sure people already know. He must've told someone. Then that someone told someone else and then it spread around the school like a wild fire.

During lunch, I hide in the janitors closet and eat my lunch. I'm not going into the cafeteria. I can't take the stares, the whispering as I walk by, and the sad faces I get from people signaling their sympathy for me.

I'm a coward.

I'm afraid of the response I will get from the people. I can't handle it.

I burst into tears and press my hands against my face.

Why? Just why? I never even got a reason. Just a short simple 9 word sentence that tore my heart apart.

What did I do wrong? We were perfectly fine the day before.

We were happy as we could be.

Or was it just me?

Was he not happy, did he not enjoy our day together? How long has he felt this way?

I run out of the closet, tears streaming down my face. I keep my head down as I make a beeline for the side door.

But to my dissmay, I bump into someone and fall on my butt.

Not just someone, him.

Tears are still falling from my eyes as I stare up at him, unable to move. Frozen in place on the floor.

"I'm sorry. I just..."

That's all he's able to utter out of his mouth before I'm running down the hallway to the door. I hear him calling my name and his foot steps gaining behind me.

I don't stop, I don't even turn around.

I run back home to my room and return to the same state I was in last night.

I feel alone.

Unwanted.

Depressed.

Pain.

 Author's Note:

Some of the events in this story are true but some are fiction. It has been about 7 months since the painful day, and I still feel that pain. If anyone has had and/or is suffering from a heart break, I know your pain and I am here for you. Things will get better, I promise. Just keep your head held high and stay strong.

-Sydney<3