Confession of a Henchman

Part 1

MEYERS: State your name for the record.

COLEMAN: Jake Coleman.

MEYERS: Any aliases?

COLEMAN: Uh, yeah, the clown called me Hee Hee.

MEYERS: "He?"

COLEMAN: Yeah, Hee Hee. You know, like laughing.

MEYERS: All right. So let's just go over it from the beginning.

COLEMAN: Okay. Uh, let's see. How far back do you want me to go?

MEYERS: Did you have any criminal record before this?

COLEMAN: Well, yeah. Been in and out of the joint for years. Bulgary, some mugging, carjacking, that sort of thing. But I never did nothing with no drugs, that was a frame--

MEYERS: Just tell us how you got involved with Mister Giggles.

COLEMAN: Oh. Okay. So, I mean, it was just supposed to be a job. I got fired from my job as a dishwasher at the Chambers Hotel a couple weeks ago, and I was looking for work. Nobody would hire me because of my record. A buddy who worked at the hotel told me to talk to Alcove Staffing.

MEYERS: Alcove?

COLEMAN: Yeah, it's a temp agency on Fifth Street. They do legitimate stuff, but my buddy told me they can get people with my record a break. So this guy's sitting behind his desk, and he asks me if I was willing to do henching. I never done that before, told him I didn't know if I could, but he said he could pull some strings. Says he'll get back to me. I didn't think anything of it. Two days later, I get a knock on my apartment door. It's almost midnight, and ain't the best neighborhood to begin with, so I know it ain't no good. Made sure the kids were asleep, told my wife to stay in bed, got my baseball bat and opened the door a crack. Next thing I know, my whole door's on fire.

MEYERS: On fire?

COLEMAN: Yeah, there's a big paper bag on my doormat, and it's on fire. I whack it a few times with my bat, then wise up and go get some water to put it out. By the time I put out the fire, I can already smell it. [CENSORED]. Big bag o' crap. I thought it was just some neighborhood kids goofing off until I see the note buried in all that mess. It's written on some kind of fireproof paper or something. Just says "Welcome aboard. 259 Avenue J, 7:30 PM. Password: Popcorn. Signed, Mister Giggles."

MEYERS: Did you know Mister Giggles before that?

COLEMAN: Well, you know, not like personally, but I think everybody in this city's heard o' Mister Giggles. I just knew what I saw on TV, you know. Some retard who runs around in a clown suit, that gets your attention. I'd heard the other guys at the bar talking when he kidnapped the mayor's daughter last year. And when we all couldn't stop laughing back in March, they said it was because Mister Giggles dumped that goop of his into the water supply.

Gotta say, I kind of re-evaluated the whole operation at that point. When the agency said I'd be doing henching, I figured I'd be working for Tree Frog or Carjack or maybe even Prince Darkness. But the idea of working for Mister Giggles sent a chill down my spine.

The next morning, I went down to Alcove and told him I couldn't take that job, wanted to get a different one. The guy looks me straight in the eye, and says, "Jake, I'm going to be straight with you. We don't normally take jobs from Mister Giggles. But this is supposed to be a lot of money for one night's work. And Mister Giggles must have liked your resume. The other two applicants didn't get letters in their dog crap. They got bombs."

"Maybe that makes me special, but I don't care. I'm not working for Mister Giggles."

The temp agent sighed. "You don't have a choice, Jake. When you're in, you're in. Giggles doesn't handle rejection well. You don't show up tonight, he's coming after you."

Well, that just about floored me. I was trapped. I walked out and went home in a daze. My wife yelled at me, because I was just sitting there at the kitchen table with the carving knives in my hands while my kids are crying. I just kept trying to think how I could get out of it. I couldn't move, we had a one-year lease on our apartment. I thought maybe I could stay at my mother in law for a few weeks, but she was on vacation. Seemed like all I could do was go through with the job.

But even that seemed crazy. Mister Giggles was a psycho killer. I was just a small-time hustler. What if Giggles wanted me to kill somebody? Or what if we ran into the Undertaker? I saw the Undertaker once when I was walking through uptown. I don't know if he even saw me, but I took off and ran for three blocks. My policy had always been to stay away from supers. I ain't some big-time villain, so I figured I could stay below they're radar. But now this...

Ultimately, I decided going through with the job was the least risky of all my options. If it was just one night, and it paid well, then maybe I could make it through.