Questions With Noah

Confessing to Noah

"Morning, baby," Noah whispered as my eyes fluttered open.

"Hi," I whispered out as I sat up in bed.

I felt his strong arm wrap around my waist, pulling me closer to him as he shimmied over to nestle his body in my side. His shirtless body touching me made me feel on fire.

"How'd you sleep?" I managed.

"Fine," Noah answered, dropping his head onto my shoulder. "You kept moving around last night. Tossing and turning. Bad dream?"

"No, I don't think so? Sorry about that." My hand mindlessly went up to his arm and my thumb grazed across it.

"No, don't be sorry. I'm glad I could be here and hold you if things got bad."

"You're sweet." I replied.

"You're perfect."  Noah responded.

"Uh, can we talk?" I asked.

"We are talking, but okay? Is this a good talk or a bad talk?"

"Both. Neither."

"What's up, baby?" Noah asked as he propped his body up on his elbow behind me. I shifted to lie on my back as his arm stayed wrapped around my waist. The rock necklace he wore close to his heart dangled next to my shoulder and I took it in my hands to fiddle with it.

"School is about to start picking up soon so I just wanted to warn you about that. Things might be a little more stressful for me. And, I, uh," I struggled to find the words. I wasn't trying to break up. I just wanted to create some distance if that's was ok to do. If he didn't want the distance, I didn't want it. I just didn't want to hold him back.

"That's fine, baby. That just means that you'll have more to tell me when we do talk?" Noah looked at me with a soft smile.

I nodded silently, agreeing with Noah. "Is there something else?" Noah tried.

I exhaled and shook my head.

"Babe? Mia, talk to me. Please. Tell me what's going on."

"I'm nervous that I'm holding you back from experiencing life and dating and meeting girls and whatever in L.A. And I don't want to break up but I'm afraid that you may want to end things or worse— you don't know that you want to end things and you won't realize it until it's too late and you'll resent me.

"Maybe it's an insecurity thing. Maybe it's an anxiety thing. Maybe it's a jealous thing— I don't know. I just know that I like you a lot. I care about you a lot and I just want you to be happy. If happy is not with me, then so be it. But I never want you to be with me and not wanting to be with me." I rambled.

At some point, Noah grabbed my hand. I didn't realize when but he did. His large hand held mine and this thumb traced lines on the back of my hand.

"Ok, babe, I want to be here. If I didn't, I could've saved myself the trip. Do I feel like you're holding me back? No. Do I regret anything about you? No. Do I resent you? Of course not. What I don't like is the distance— that I have to drive so far to see you; that your school schedule is so intense; that I can't hold you when I want to and kiss you when you least expect it. I hate that I can't show my love for you the way I want to and the way I know how. But that's not your fault, or my fault, or anyone's fault; it's just the way it is. It just means that we have to take advantage of the time when we are together."

I felt his lips press to my exposed shoulder as he looked up at me.

"And we have to talk to each other about what we're feeling and thinking and keep the lines of communication open."

I felt another kiss, but this time on my collarbone.

Even though Noah was relatively clean shaven, the stubble from his beard tickled me. My shoulders went up instinctively and a wide smile broke across my face.

"Ok," I nodded, feeling relieved.

"Yeah?"

"Mhmm," I nodded.

"So are you still insecure that I'm not that into you?" Noah asked as he gave me another kiss in the same spot.

"No," I giggled out.

"Are you feeling nervous or— I don't know— anxious about us? Noah asked again. His lips pressed against my collarbone again as he held me together.

I bit my bottom lip and shook my head with another smile.

Noah pulled his head back, creating some distance between us. His arms stayed around but he looked at me quizzically. In a dramatic voice, Noah asked with a gasp, "But, baby, are you sure you're not jealous? Of all the other girls whose bed I'm not in right now?"

"No," I answered shaking my head. 

"Good, because there is no other place on Earth I'd rather be right now."

He rested his head on my shoulder and I felt the traces of his beard on my bare skin. It felt a bit stubbly but I loved the feeling. Noah picked up my hand and started mindlessly toying with it and examining it. His fingers intertwined with mine and he brought the back of my hand up to his lips.

The sun shone in through my window and perfectly brightened Noah's brown eyes as he looked up at me. Normally, his eyes were a shade of whiskey, but right now,  there were glints of honey in them. His eyes looked like a sunset over the desert. His eyes were glorious. He was glorious.

In that moment, I didn't know if I loved him but I knew it was the closest I ever got to feeling it before.