nightmares ━━ h.hj + k.sm

nightmares

Seungmin POV

By eleven, Jisung has already left for Minho's room, taking his clothes and makeup in bundles and padding quietly past the other rooms. We were sworn to secrecy about his all but living in Minho's room, which was perfect leverage for them to keep my and Hyunjins relationship secret. As Jisung slips out of the room I slide softly into Hyunjins bunk, sighing quietly at his comforting warmth.

His arm slides up my back to settle on my shoulder and the hairs one my back stand on end as my shirt hikes up under the pressure of his arm. He smiles as he rolls over, his eyes sleepy but alert, and unique and very Hyunjin look that sets off a warm spark in the middle of my stomach. I lean forward to kiss his forehead, my lips lingering as he tips his head up to playfully catch them in his. He coos softly against my lips, satisfied to have caught me off my guard, and settles into my arms, his breathing slow as he starts to doze. I lean to turn off his light and pull up the blankets, wrapping my arms protectively around him. I quickly fall into the light sleep I have recently adapted to, asleep but aware, my arms still holding him against me.

I'm startled awake at around two in the morning to Hyunjin struggling against my grip and muttering in his sleep, scared and alone in his mind. I tighten my grip on him, slowly rocking him. I know better than to wake him up, I know the shock it can cause. But it hurts, his pain translates so easily into my pain, every emotion he feels a faucet straight to mine. The slow pressure of my arms wakes him up eventually, a helpful tactic I found online during my frantic 4am searches for nightmare help. When he wakes he startles - just like every other time - and it hurts every inch of my body. His eyes mirror exactly the pain that racks his mind, and my heart sinks at the unconcealed emotion that shows in his wide eyes. I tighten my grip around him again, a reassurance of not only my proximity but of the comfort I'm desperately trying to communicate.

But he realizes quickly what happened and recoils, wrapping his arms tightly around himself and shifting from my grip. Embarrassed. I've learned not to take it to heart, but his refusal of any assistance pulls at my chest and my stomach, filling both with a stiff and suffocating pain.

I slowly unfold my arms from their protective positioning and give him space, feeling my chest constrict the further I separate my body from his. But while I crave contact more than anything, I have to accept that the only way we get through this is if he has space.

His breathing is slowing, and I feel him fall back asleep after what feels like several hours but what must have only been a few minutes. A few minutes later I fall again into the light sleep I have become so accustomed to and flit in and out of sleep until the sun rises. It's a signal for me to occupy the restroom before Hyunjin wakes up. I know he will be sweet as always today, always overdoing it discreetly to thank me for being with him at night. The thought leaves me feeling hollow, I know it's not his fault but it's so hard to understand his weaknesses in acknowledging his own weaknesses, a twisted paradox that has become excruciating to manage.

But this morning the warm spot by me shifts as I shift to get out of bed and I freeze, scared I woke him and scared I did something wrong again, something that will only further the pain that is racking his body and his mind. But he is awake, smiling, and kisses me softly as I open the drapes and walk quietly into the bathroom.

Hyunjin POV

The nightmares have ripped a hole in this relationship and I am helpless to repair it. I resisted sleeping with Seungmin for so long he thought I was rejecting him - and now he can't leave me alone at night knowing what he knows.

And I have no fucking clue how to make it up to him. I do nothing but push him away at night and he does nothing but listen. I have no idea how helpless it makes him feel, how worthless. Seeing him so tired in the morning kills me every time.

I wake as he does this morning, knowing the pain I've caused him in recoiling from him last night, denying him any contact when he knows I was in pain and reeling from something I cannot control. He's always so careful and quiet in the morning, and my chest constricts as I realize he's quiet so he won't wake me. I smile at him, kiss him softly, but all I can see is how his eyes droop after being up to comfort me, his gaze is tired and cloudy, and his forehead is perpetually squeezed into a poorly masked state of worry. And all of this because of me, he sacrifices sleep and sanity for me, a burden that is becoming harder and harder for him to bear.

And I have no fucking clue how to make it up to him.

A loud thump from the bathroom violently shakes me from my thoughts, and I throw myself to the bathroom door instantly, reeling and paranoid after realizing how long I've been in my own mind, embarrassed at how selfish I can be when my Seungmin is in pain because of my own actions.

I bang on the door, maybe too harshly considering the lack of severity of the situation, and the door opens to a defeated and half dressed Seungmin, his eyes down and brimmed with poorly masked tears. My heart folds in on itself, plummeting in my chest and I rush forward to hug him, touch him, reassure him that I'm here. He gasps softly, his tears catching in his throat and he melts into my arms.

"I'm so sorry. The shower - I was trying to be quiet, and the shelf, it broke .. "

I tighten my arms around him, folding into my grip as he falls to pieces in my arms.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so - "

His voice breaks off as a squeeze him almost painfully in my grip.

We stand is stoic silence, but his breathing evens and slows, his heartbeat calms and he sighs deeply. I step back, and his face is red and puffy but no longer distressed.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. I'll help you clean up" I chuckle

Somehow that was the wrong thing to say - he breaks down silently, his lips pinched together as his body shakes.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be crying I'm sorry. I'm sorry"

At times I hate our height difference, I feel like I'm towering over him, and I know he feels even smaller. I put my hands on his shoulders, my eyes searching his face, searching his eyes for answers.

He looks up, sees my confusion, sees how lost I am in trying to help him.

"I mess everything up. And you always help me. And then I go and mess it up again" he says quickly, defeatedly.

"Minnie..."

Everything he's saying is rushed, embarrassed - "Like last night. I don't know how to help. But you're still so good with me - I can never help and you still forgive me"

My heart hits the floor, my chest aching in its absence.

"Minnie no! Are you kidding?"

He looks at the floor, twisting his hands, tears dripping quietly off his face.

"Hey - look at me- I cant believe that's actually how you feel"

He looks up at me, eyes wide in surprise, still rimmed with red and quivering lightly.

"You have been more helpful than I could have ever imagined. I've been kicking myself for not thanking you. The amount you have learned about ... this ... "

He looks up in surprise.

"Don't do that I've seen your search history," I laugh, and his face goes red. I lean forward, pressing my lips against his forehead.

"I just - I - I can't stand it when you're upset" he ends, laughing at the cliche that feels so real at this moment.

"That makes two of us, Minnie"

He looks at me, his eyes laughing, and looks behind him at the mess in the shower.

"I need to clean up this mess" he sighs

I laugh, the mess and the situation suddenly absurd.

"Okay. I'll help"

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(05/12/2019) Just did some major edits! This is definitely the story that I've messed with the most, and I probably will again soon. It's not perfect but it's getting there. 

(08/15/2019) edited again

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