Free Churro (Entire Speech)

Free Churro

Your mother's having another one of her episodes. Last night she went to see A Doll's House with a couple girlfriends and now she has ideas. I emerged from my sanctum, this afternoon, to discover that not only had she not made me lunch, which is a meal I need in order to live, but she'd furthermore, locked herself in the bedroom to weep... Loudly. Now, it's one thing for a woman to weep, but when they do it at such a volume you can hear it through the door, then that's when you know they're doing it just for the attention. Anyway, I was able to cobble together a sandwich for myself, so, I'm the real hero of this story. 

It was a couple hours later when I realized I was on a good run with my novel. I had this really interesting sentence that kept going for pages and pages, and I really thought how rare it is to get in the groove like that. How, most days, I can't concentrate because my idiot child is blasting the television, and it suddenly dawned on me; hot cock on a rock, she never even picked up the little noise and snot factory! 

So, here I am, being your mother, which I know is giving you all sorts of mixed-up idea about gender, while your brain is still loose and stupid. Just remember, if you become a queer later in life, this isn't my fault! Don't you sing no songs in your nightclub act called, "My Daddy was My Mommy," while gazing longingly at a tangled string of pearls. Pearls are for ladies, BoJack. Pearls are for ladies. 

You know Sunday is my writing day. Sundays are the one day that are just for me and my craft, and still, you and the black hole that birthed you conspire to ruin it for me. What am I supposed to do now? Just go back to writing? I'm out of the zone now, the whole day's shot! All because of you and that brittle wisp of a woman you made the mistake of making your mother. 

No. It's not her fault. She's doing the best she can, after all. It's just that... You can't depend on women. You can't depend on anyone. Sooner or later, you need to learn that no one else is gonna take care of you. That's what I learned when I had to make my own sandwich. You can't rely on other people, BoJack. It's good for you to know that. And she's a good mother for teaching you that. You've got a head start on most kids. You're actually very lucky. 

THAAAAANNNNKKKK YOOOOOOUUUUU????

(For reasons, I decided to add Butterscotch's speech at the beginning cause why the fuck not? That took a half hour. Now I'm gonna take a half hour break to watch some Zak Storm cause my hands are hurting. Also, I'm gonna cut it down quite a bit so...)

So, I stopped at a Jack in the Box, on the way here, and the girl behind the counter said, "Hiya! Are you having an awesome day?" Not, "How are you doing today?"No. "Are you having an awesome day?" Which is pretty shitty because it puts the onus on me to disagree with her, like if I'm not having an "awesome day," suddenly I'm the negative one. Usually, when people ask how I'm doing, the real answer is I'm doing shitty, but I can't say I'm doing shitty because I don't have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say, "I'm doing shitty," then they say, "Why? What's wrong?" And I have to be like, "I don't know, all of it?" So instead, when people ask how I'm doing, I usually say, "I am doing so great." But when this girl at the Jack in the Box asked me if I was having an awesome day, I thought, well, today I'm actually allowed to feel shitty, today I have a good reason, so I said to her, "Well, my mom died." And she immediately burst into tears. So, now I have to comfort her, which is annoying, and meanwhile, there's a line of people forming behind me, who are all giving me these really judgy looks because I made the Jack in the Box girl cry. And she's bawling, and she's saying, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," And I'm like, "It's fine, it's fine. I mean, it's not fine, but, you know, it's... Fine. And I would like to order a Double Jack Meal, and I've kinda got somewhere to be, so maybe less with the crying and more with the frying, huh?" And the girl apologizes, again, and she offers me a free churro with my meal. And as I'm leaving, I think, "I just got a free churro because my mom died." No one ever tells you when your mom dies, you get a free churro.