Many Thoughts, One Decision (Castle One-Shot)

Many Thoughts, One Decision

"Keep it. I resign" I said before walking out of Gates office.

I felt the confused looks on me from Espo and Gates herself. I took my mom's elephants and some other stuff from my desk before I walked to the elevator and pushed the parking button. On the ride down all I could think about was hanging there. I had almost died. I had a big lump in my throat. Castle had been right. Once I got down to my car I drove home and dropped off my things. I really didn't feel like staying there so I walked down to the street and started walking. I didn't care where I was going, I just walked, and I didn't care that it was pouring down. My hair was quickly completely soaked but I didn't care. I needed to think. I needed to walk. I needed to clear my mind. Castle had been right. He had only tried to protect me. Unless anyone else he had been there for me. I had been so mad at him. I had snapped at him. He shouldn't have kept it a secret from me. It was a lead, and he had been sitting on it for a year before telling me. Before I knew it I was at the swings. Our swings. I looked at them before touching the chain where I had been sitting that time when I met Castle at his book signing and asked him to come back to the precinct. Come back to me. I sat down and looked at 'his' swing. It felt so empty not seeing him in it. He had been right not telling me. If he had told me I would've jumped at it and probably gotten killed sooner. And it probably wouldn't had matter when he told me, I would've been mad at him either way. I thought of our fight. He had told me he loved me for a second time. I had been so shocked that he would actually admit it to me. I hadn't been ready to hear it. Just like I hadn't been ready to hear it when I was dying in his arms. It was a good thing I had waterproof make-up or else the rain would've destroyed it. When I had been hanging there, dangling off the roof, I had only thought of my fight with Castle. And the one thought that kept going around in my mind was the fact that he would never know my true feelings for him. He would never know how much I truly loved him. How much he meant for me. But now, it felt like it was too late for anything. Too late to tell him. Too late for him to change his mind and come back to me. When he told me it was over, I had begged him to stay in my mind but I had been too shocked and mad to actually say the words. I tried to tell him with my eyes but he wouldn't really look into my eyes. I had seen his heart break right in front of me and it had been because of me. Because I had been too stubborn to act and tell him how I felt. Would he ever be able to forgive me? Would he ever try to contact me again? Or was it up to me? The thunder started and the rain ran down my cheeks, mixing themselves with my tears. I didn't know if I could live without him. My heart was aching, it was the same aching I'd had when my mom was taken from me. Only this time he wasn't taken from me. I had pushed him away. That made my heart ache even more. The pain was too real. Too new. I didn't feel like I could breath, and I didn't want to breath. All I wanted was to feel him close to me. To feel his presence. To hear him telling one of his crazy theories which always made me go crazy on him but also made me laugh on the inside. I wanted him to kiss me, and not like that time we had been undercover. That had been an emergency and the kiss had been great but I had felt him holding back on me. The kiss he had given me had had an undertone of the love he actually felt for me. I didn't want that kind of a kiss again. I wanted the kind in which he wouldn't hold back. In which he would let me know how much he loved me.

"Castle, why did you have to stay put? I was broken, why did you stick around?" I whispered out loud into the rain.

I didn't know why I had spoken but there was so many questions I had inside of me. Why did he choose me as inspiration? Why did he stick around when he could've gone away? How could he love someone like me? He had been right there with me from the start. He had slowly sneaked into my life. Slowly gotten through my inner walls. I loved him. It was true. It hadn't occurred to me how much until I was dangling on that roof realizing what I was going to lose. I needed to fix this. I needed to talk to him. I needed to tell him what I knew he would never dream of hearing from me. I took one last look on the swing before I raised and started to jog towards his building. I couldn't let him wait any longer. It was not fair. I had kept him waiting long enough. When I hit his building and walked inside I slowed down and picked out my phone. I clicked on my favorite list and clicked on his name, which was the first name on my list. I heard signals coming through and I stepped into the elevator. He didn't pick up and a new hole in my heart was made. As soon as the elevator doors opened I flung myself at his door but stopped. Maybe he had company. Maybe he never wanted to see me again. Maybe he wouldn't change his mind about us.

"Come on, you can do it" I thought to myself and knocked on the door.

I had to wait for about a minute before Castle opened up. As I studied his face I could see he was surprised and not so happy to see me. I didn't know what to say and to my relief I didn't have to break the awkward silence.

"Beckett what do you want?" he asked in a voice filled with pain and it hurt me that he was so hurt by my behavior.

I didn't know how to say everything I wanted to say. So I combined every word into just one. One that I knew he would understand.

"You."

My body pulled forward and I put my hands on both sides of his face and crashed my lips against his. He pushed me away without kissing me back and he looked down at me and I could see shock in his otherwise alive eyes. He just looked at me and I could see he had a hard time choosing what to think.

"What happened?" he eventually asked.

"He got away and I didn't care" I started. "I almost died and all I could think about was you" I paused deciding to tell him "I just want you".

I leaned in closer, nearly to touch his lips again but I hesitated. What if it really was too late? What if he didn't want me at all? I pulled back and looked him in the eyes. The thunder outside was creepy and the rain kept pouring down but I didn't care. All I wanted was for him to kiss me. To forgive me. To be mine. I touched his lips with my fingers and in his eyes I saw determination. He pushed me against the door making it shut and he kissed me hard. His hands were on my face and I tried to put as much love as I could into the kiss. His lips travelled down to my neck and I couldn't help but moan in his ear. Electricity was floating through my veins in a speed I didn't think was possible. His lips returned to mine and he searched entrance. I let him in and our tongues started doing a perfect synchronized dance, like they were meant to be dancing together. He pulled away and stared down at my chest. He unbuttoned the few buttons that were there and revealed my scar. I started to feel a little panic since I had no idea what he would think about it. I had never shown it to anyone. I was afraid. To my big surprise he bent down and kissed it lightly, filling the cold spot with warmth from his lips. The spot that otherwise was filled with coldness and depression was now filled with warmth and love. The panic disappeared and I knew that he accepted me just as I was. His lips returned to mine while he put his hand over my scar, making sure to show me he loved me no matter what scar I had, visible or not. I put my hand over his, keeping his hand on its place. We slowed down the kissing and ended up pecking each other's lips instead. We stopped and we stared into each other's eyes. I could still see a sting of hesitation in his eyes so I took his hand. I intertwined our fingers and slowly I pulled me with him towards is bedroom. I needed to show him that I wanted this as badly as he did. We stood by his bed, neither of us really knowing what to do. I pulled down my shirt over my shoulder and he pulled away my hair, softly touching my bare skin. He walked closer to me and he put an arm around me to gently lay me down on the bed. I felt his soft bed against my back and he climbed on top of me. It felt awkward yet so right. He seemed so unsure that I pulled myself up to meet my lips with his. He followed me down and put more of is weight over me. I ran my hands through his hair and he softly explored my body in an eager way. He didn't seem to quite get what was happening. I grabbed one of his hands and slipped it under my shirt and I shivered once his hand touched my skin. I hadn't known how much my body had longed for his touch until this moment. My heart was beating hard and it was beating because of life. For once I felt whole again. For once I didn't feel broken. For once I was filled with love.