Finding Myself~MY DIARY

Him

* 5/1/19 *

This is a conversation between me and this person that honestly helped me so much. And I always read the texts over and over again. I'm so lucky to have this person in my life. ❤️❤️

Me:

I feel like my life is on pause and I'm just waiting for something to happen but I don't know what it is. I feel exhausted and stressed about everything. And I have this weight on my shoulders. I keep trying to avoid it hoping it will go away. Because again nothing is permanent. And this feeling isn't permanent so I'm waiting for it to pass by. 

Have you heard that saying "fake it till u make it" that's what I feel I'm doing. And the thing is I don't know what I'm waiting for and that is what's really hurting me. Sometimes I think of the future, maybe a little too much. I'm keep thinking whether I want to be a surgeon or a nurse, because it's what I do. I make a plan for my whole future. I keep thinking that what if I'm not smart enough, or good enough. I'm scared of failing, of not doing enough. But I don't want to cut myself short because I KNOW I can do better and I know I can get there. But there is a part of me that I don't want to give up because it's everything I am. The creative part of me. The writer, the artist.

Him:

I think the answer's obvious, you gotta make whatever you're waiting for happen. You need to figure out what it is that you want to do, without any regard to what anybody else thinks. You got to think about what you want out of your life and for a second just ignore what everybody else thinks about no matter who they are. I really don't know how you could be doing anything more I think you've earned yourself some time to yourself to do what you want. You can't live your whole life being scared of failure or else you'll never succeed. People think that because they fail at something, it means they can't succeed, but they don't realize that that's HOW you succeed, through failure.

The way I see it is that failure is the only way to succeed, people who are really successful only succeeded thru failure nobody just gets an easy path all the way through. Stop being scared of living up to your full potential. Your one of the most intelligent people I know but there's no such thing as not being smart enough to do something it's all about what you're willing to put in towards it. I'm not undermining your struggle at all but what makes you the person who you are isn't WHAT you struggle with but HOW you deal with it.

Me:

I just need to keep reminding myself that because I know nothing good is coming out of it.

I keep thinking if I fail I'm done but I keep forgetting that I could just keep trying till I succeed

I need someone to tell me that everything is gonna be alright and I'm doing okay. I think too much of the future that I forget to breathe.

Him:

Is there anything you can do about it?

Is there anything?

No?

Then there's no point in stressing.

All you can do is be prepared when the opportunity comes

So stress is this thing created by our brains to drive us towards action, but when there's no action to take then what's the point in stressing?

Just take some time to cool off and relax while you got nothin to stress about because you're forgetting to actually enjoy your life, worry bout that stuff when it's time. Or at least when you can actually do something about it. You know Maysaa you're really forgetting to enjoy your teenage years, you're all excited to grow up and do this and that but you forget that you're never gonna be a teenager again, there's a lotta people you know right now who you might never see again after a couple years. There's so much to do right now that you're not gonna have time for later on in your life, right now you're just a teenager and at least the stakes aren't as high and you can actually get away with messing up from time to time without all the consequences of adult life. So chillllll, go out, have fun, spend time with your family, do something fun with your time just to live in that moment not everything you do has to be for the future or else you'll never be able to enjoy the present.

That's all coming and it'll be there for you when you're ready but right now you need to live your teenage years like a teenager, while keeping in mind the possibilities that you want to keep open for your adulthood. But for now, you're good, you're okay. I love you, I'll always be here for you when you need me. You can always talk to me about anything it doesn't matter what it is baby, if it matters to you then it matters to me. And keeping things in usually leads to irrational thoughts, sometimes it's not even advice that you need but you just need to hear yourself say whatchu think to realize how simple it is so you should never bottle things in because the pressure just gets greater and greater.