The Dark Shade Of Beirut

Back To Life

I looked at my blood red bed. My room is filled with silent water. I do not remember anything, just that I tried to end my life, to end me. Often people do such a thing when their life gets so miserable and they can not handle it, but not me. I simply wanted to end this life because Mariya had gone. 

    It's not my choice. It’s not the choice of most of us on this board. When I gathered my courage and stepped in the room and gazed upon it, I reconstructed what was the past two days based on. I felt a great sadness, a slight ache in my heart, but mostly I felt filled with horror. I was, after all, in an impossible position. 

Two days ago; 

     My eyes broke apart leisurely. I thought it was a dream, one that I would probably reject. My body, the same body that is resting on the hospital’s bed, could have been decayed under the ground. 

    Gingerly, a nurse opens the door of the room;  she comes smiling at me.

- “Rise and shine, Murad”

- “Hi, nurse..” I said trying to recognize her face from my blurry eyes.

She smiles at me again, as if she had known me years ago.

   “The doctor says your condition is under control, luckily.” She said while checking up on the serum.

    “Luckily? Who to told her so…” I whispered, but it came out a little loud. 

She looked at me and shook her head  - “Oh, I think you are being rude to this world Murad.” 

I looked up at her and said:
- “Life is rude for me, so I am.” 
- “Look I don’t really know you, but I know something about you. You have been through pain, more like through an undefined situation.
But what does this has to do with you taking your life away?”
- “Dear nurse, sorry for being rude, but I am  tired to listen for your life lessons.”
- “You have to. Look when I am upset, I shut myself down and would have no motivation for anything. I would cry for hours and burry my head against my pillow and scream in silence, but I never willed to end my life. I live! I face my problems!” 

She paused and took a deep breath -  “Why always cry over people who left, but can’t be happy for the people who stayed?” 

    She got up leaving this question to me and then moved swiftly to the door.

    Few moments later and Zackaria my friend enters the room before I could even recall the words of the Nurse. 
- “So you seriously tried to kill yourself because of Mariya?

    When Zackaria asked me, I got surprised. I’ve never thought that Zackaria knows about my relation with Mariya because I’ve never told any. 

- “No, I have my own reasons.” 

    Then, silence fills the room. He stands in the corner of the room for a while, looking at me with his curious eyes. 

- "So…” 

    I break the silence: 
- “Zackaria, you don’t know what I went through. Nobody cares. Stop pretending that you do. People come to our lives to take what they want, then when they get satisfied they leave in peace and never come back. And Mariya left, but actually she never left. Does that make sense? She ruined my mind, my life and everything. I can’t breathe… Never mind
Zack, you will not feel how I am feeling.”

- “That’s not a problem Murad. Listen, not everyone enters our life has to stay, sometimes we must let him leave because always he has his own reasons and excuses. It is always okay when you are left broken, you must be thankful that maybe they will be able to mend themselves through you. Stand on your feet and go on. You do not have the right to end your life whenever you want. Yalla, get well soon , I will come after I finish my work.” 

    I felt relieved and laughed with him. Finally I found a true friend that  really cares about my life… 
    Then he closed the door. Staring at the ceiling, I realized that sometimes our friends are like our saviors...

    I saw the nurse entering the room and holding the syringe. I smiled, looking at her, and said: - "Thank you for the extra solicitude, but there's no need for another disgusting soap!"

The nurse laughed in pity and said, - "I bet it is more delicious than the one I cook.” 

I laughed, 
- "I have to try to judge.” 
- “Okay sir, be ready to have toxicity tomorrow.” She said, joking. 

    I went off my bed and went out to the porch to breathe some fresh air. She looked at me and said: 

- "You don't have wings, so don't try to fly. No body can save you this time.”
- "I will not.” 

    Time passed quickly, and I was still sitting staring at the sky and the stars, looking for Mariya between the stars. 
    How strange it is! Once Mriya was all my universe, but now she is dull star.

   I am sure she is one of these stars, but I will never reach her again. Mariya let me down, but that’s okay now. I've learned how to pick myself up.

     Today, when I entered my house, I stood for a moment staring at my blood red bed. Suddenly, a huge storm of questions appeared which I do not have answers for.

    Could I handle my life by myself until my God decides to end my life?  Or should I end it now? Why did I suddenly decided to suicide? Was it worthy?

     At that moment, I was heart broken. It was the worst feeling of my life. I felt like I have my ribs  broken; nobody can see them, but it cause a chronic pain whenever I take a breath, so I wanted to cease my breath.

    When I cut my wrist, I felt pain was hitting every part of my body and giving me a feeling I had never felt before. 

   At first, I got terrified out of my mind, disgust with myself for doing it. I began to feel an increase in the pulse of my heart, as if it would pierce my chest by breaking my ribs. And suddenly, I went asleep…  to wake up finding myself at the hospital. 

    I am lonely, weak to the level that I can not help myself .. I am afraid of those lonely nights. My life has became boring and lonely, as if it turned to be a small room haunted by the ghosts of my thoughts.

     Yes, I can sleep, but those eternal storms inside me are always awake. The pain inside me does not sleep. I have lost all my loved ones and no one feels my wounds anymore… I only have myself left. 

    

    I am broken down and exhausted. I am stuck in a huge battle, but I am going to walk out of it. I will fight it, I will rise up and I will make it out of here even if it takes few weeks or thousand years. 

    It has always been Mariya and me, and everything in between. Now it is always about me and myself, and everything in between.

    I have painted the future with drawings of us. You left, so I have to paint my future alone all again.

    Our love is like a jail. I thought that I am building walls to make it “our home". Actually, I end up trapped and broken between these walls never like before. 

    I'm not sure if we really can heal and mend the broken pieces of ourselves. Sometimes we just let it go, little by little, piece by piece. Then we learn how to survive in this world with all the pain and hope at the same time. That's how we grow and rise. 

   Mariya's love was a ghost which I saw, but it haunted me, it  wanted me dead. But I am always here, and Mariya is not. 

   My mother had always told me love stories, but she did not tell me that love can end suddenly,  that love can be so miserable. 

    At the end, her love was a beautiful disaster, a painful lesson… But I don’t know where my love for Mariya disappeared. Did it die?.. or is it just sleeping?