OneShot Stories Of My Characters

Alyosha's Journal Entry

I've always loved him. Viktor, childhood friend, King, my love. My heart always flutters and pounds against my ribs whenever I set eyes on him, his shadowed face, those gray eyes, tensed body… My face always flushes a deep rose. My breath always hitches.. But I know it isn't the same for him. I've always known that really, deep within. But I never wanted to accept it, I wanted...no..needed-to imagine I even had a chance with the man whom I seeked like a life source. Facing away from the truth, I fell so deep into this abyss of unrequited love and I can't find my way out. So as he finds his way around other women ( and men ), I find my way around him in the distance. I watch, yearn, crave, adore, as he does the same with the others who catch his eye, and lets me drift into the depths of his memory. Sometimes, outside of those precious, distant, moments, he does recognize me, acknowledges my presence,  and in those times I go dizzy in a haze of heaven and bliss. Viktor is so kind, always polite, always generous, so gentle, even when I'm acting like such a ' Mudak ' as I've heard him say.. I only do so because sometimes.. I find myself angry at him for omitting my feelings, he doesn't deserve that. I remember, on the night of my father's rejection, he caught me in the midst of my abatement. After all my screaming and crying, he played me one of his pieces that night on his piano, he stepped away from work and my heart shifted to a pacific beat as my ears flooded with that melancholic music his hands messily wrote upon paper one lonely night. Viktor embraced me in my darkness. I felt his warmth. It was so euphoric, being so close to him, I didn't want it to end because I knew it wouldn't happen again. For the most part, I was right. That is, until /she/ completely, utterly, severely, broke my soul, my heart, my mind. April Ravera is her name I believe, the woman Viktor is so in love with, the woman Viktor is crazed for like I am with him. I went to visit him, to reunite with my love for a little while, and when I did, a petite young Swedish born woman was at his side, clinging to him like I wish I could. In that moment, I was lost. Because as I realized he looked at her the way I did him, the way he's changed for her as I have for him, I realized she'd taken him from me.. When I went home that night I heaved such screams of sorrow and insanity, tears rushed from my eyes, and I grasped onto where my heart beat as I could physically feel it hurt. In order to know I did everything I could before I left, I confronted him. He was surprised, after all these years of obliviousness. Again, so kind and gentle and yet, I was shut down. Viktor told me himself just how deep his love goes for this woman April. And I left, told him I wouldn't be returning ( as tears i didn't realize left from my control). He embraced me in a saddened haze again that night, and I left before he'd convince me otherwise. I wasn't going to ruin what he had, I wasn't going to break his heart too, I didn't want to spoil his happiness. Now this sounds selfish, and it is, but I regret it, because now I sit here realizing I have nothing. I spent so much of my time revolving my life around him I pushed everything else out to where only he remained, in which in that case I've had nothing for a very long time now, and only now do I face this nothingness. I'm losing myself completely, nothing I use to like pleases me, I can't find joy in life, not in anything. Not even in music, it always brings me back to him. Everything does. I can't stand it. I've lost all feeling but this overwhelming sense of endless sorrow. I'm ashamed I need him this much, ashamed after all this time I'm still in love, and I can't take it anymore. I'm so obsessed.. I can't ever let go of his distant ghost, his warmth.. He's my light that won't ever be mine. I feel like I'm dying without him, like I'm drowning in my darkness. I wish you would drown with me.. Viktor. By Gods… I love you.. Always belonging to you Viktor.. even after rejection I can't let go.. I hope you think about me, as your all I think about. Your name always dances on my tongue. I bathe in the past with you as it's all I have left, all I ever will have left. Unfortunately, it's all I have to chase.

I do not really seek corrections on this as this is a journal entry from one of my characters so it's one of those things I just wing lmao