Fearful

Sighting

My fear is something that everyone has most love the bubbly feeling it creates in you, others it seems as if it's trying to slowly kill you, makes you grasp on to anything or anyone around you to help the pain from growing. Some take pills, some spill blood, others blow smoke but it all ends the same, shameful and sad. I'm one of the others, my fear is love.

All love starts with seeing someone, they might look attractive but it's a spark. You might not know or even think to begin falling for someone as soon as you meet them, that's the worst part you can't choose not to fall. It's as if your siting on swing and going really high and even tho your nervous you can't stop smiling, then the chain snaps and your flying with no chance of not getting hurt then suddenly you smack the ground and regret not listening to that little voice in your head that points out all the bad things that could happen. You find yourself replaying the laughs and imagine them crying while you hold them, trust me it's horrible. You have the erg to just talk to them all the time even if it's a stupid, pointless conversation.

Just a slight glance can make you have goose bumps and turn you red as a tomato. Another bad part is it makes you aware of the slightest things, like your hairs not even and your nails aren't clipped, even tho it's a small chance that they even care about that you want to look perfect. You wake up earlier just to have those extra minutes looking in the mirror. It's not on purpose it's as your body does it naturally.

I've "caught the feels" multiple times but this time was by far the worst.

It was unexpected and unwanted, but once he took notice in me again, the memories, the tears , the love came flooding back. I hated him, pure hate from the depths of my heart and I wanted nothing to do with him, yet at the same time I wanted to be his everything. I planned my school year out on the first day, trying to see if I saw him at all in the halls and how I could avoid seeing one single boy.

Either way I had barely talked to him in person, I felt as if I would ball my eyes out even of he did a simple wave for old times sake. I've never had a guy that lots of girls are attracted to actually take notice in me, it was scary. Yes I admit I was one of those girls that would melt in his arms, but I hated the thought of liking him, of loving him. The boy that has made me fearful of school is Caleb k, the most perfect boy I've yet to of seen.

I felt as if every time I would try to avoid him I would end up seeing his head bobbing in out and around people through the halls. He wasn't headed in my direction of course, it was in the direction of maddies C's class, his monstrous girlfriend's class. Everyone knew they would end up together, they walked home together and hung out on the weekends and told each other everything. But I can tell he doesn't love her and the same for her, they don't brighten up at the sight of each other, as if the were robots going along with what people said.

It saddens me to look at him, he has those eyes were he looks as if he just finished crying and he has this paleness that makes him look like everybody knows his worst secrets, everyone except him. I want him to look at me with those distant eyes and watch them come in to focus and see the light in face brighten at the sight of me. I can see the depression in his walk, I feel the need to pick up and carry him away to somewhere safe with no one except us.

Tip: don't memorize the way a person looks it causes an erg to rub your finger across every inch.