I'm back... and alive apparently.
It really doesn't feel like it at this point...
Things have gotten better I guess...
More consistent I guess...
I take back what I said about consistency.
Consistency SUCKS....
Sometimes life getting worse relieves me of things because it reassures me I'm not completely stuck...
I've reconnected with a best friend of mine...
The one who holds all of my secrets in his hand.
The one I can't step away from because I'm too scared...
Sometimes it feels like he's all I have left in a way... as bad as that sounds.
Whenever my brain is braking down... it just goes to what would he say? What would he think? He sorta cares about you again, as stupid as that is, don't let him down again.
And that hurts.
I don't know what I'm doing if I'm being completely honest...
Life sucks
People suck
I just want it to stop... and sadly that's not going to happen anytime soon as long as I have "friends"
Even though they don't seem like friends
People have gotten so... mean...
They joke a lot... they hurt a lot... it's not always a joke.
But even when it is they don't understand why I'm collapsing... why my brain is begging me to give up and stop moving... to just break down... they don't understand that when I'm lying awake in the middle of the night, losing all sleep I ever have a chance of getting... their words ring through my head, weaving through my brain like a rope, pulling tighter and tighter until I'm suffocating.
I don't know what I'm doing...
But I know I'm not doing it right
