Drowning | ✔

13

My eyes widen in disbelief and hurt. I thought this was all supposed to be over. I thought everything was turning up. I thought I could be happy again. 

I guess Life had another thing coming. 

I step back into the corners of the room within the shadows. I can feel the tears forming in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. My heart actually seems to hurt. My mind is going crazy. Why would they do this to me? I thought I could trust them...

My heart broke again as I watch Holly climb on top of Isaac, her hands tangled in his hair. Isaac's hands roaming over her body, both of them making quiet noises. 

The tears wouldn't stop falling now, and I had to force myself to be silent. 

But why? I'm torturing myself, watching them. All the pain I thought I had just let go now comes back to me, flooding my heart and mind. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Bella hidden behind a corner of the wall, watching. I can see little drops of water on her face, and I know she's crying for me, too. And then she looks up and sees me and her eyes widen. 

I'm shaking. I'm shaking so badly. It's like I'm losing control of myself. 

I can't do this anymore. I simply can't. Everyone who I thought I could trust and love ends up hurting me. And I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. It's overwhelming and it's going to make me crazy. I can feel the pain coursing through my body, splitting my heart in two again. I watch, broken and tired, as my best friend and my second lover hold each other, kissing, touching. Just like what happened a year ago. History is repeating itself, and who's to stay it'll stop? What if I keep finding someone I think I love again only to later be betrayed by them? 

Can I ever keep happiness? Or am I simply undeserving of it? 

I can't keep love. I can't keep friends. All I do is hurt. All I can feel is pain. 

Bella's watching me silently. I look at her and I see someone innocent. I see a little girl with so much ahead of her, and I hope what's happened to me never happens to her. She's too good for this world. 

And then I look back at Isaac. He's supposed to show me that I'm good enough and that I can be loved. He's supposed to show me that I can have happiness again. He's supposed to be the one who helps me back up to the surface. He's supposed to save me.

But now I'm drowning and falling all at once. I can't breathe. I feel like I'm sinking deeper, and I can't find the surface. I can't find the light that's supposed to lead me back to the shore. All I see is darkness. All I can feel is pain and hopelessness. 

I'm drowning and there's no one here to save me. 

Like always. There's never anyone there to save me. I'm all by myself in this world. I've learned that now. 

But I don't think I can live with that. I can't do this alone. I can't be left by myself again. I can't stand on my own two feet independently like I used to. I need help. I need someone to help me and show me that I can be who I was. 

I thought that was supposed to be Isaac.

Everything everyone's said about me is true. I'm not beautiful because if I was, Isaac wouldn't be looking at Holly like he is now, kissing her. I am trash because, apparently, I'm not good enough for Isaac or anyone, for that matter. I'm so incredibly dumb and stupid to think someone could ever love me. I'm never going to be good at anything or go anywhere because I'm done.

I'm done.

I'm done hurting. I'm done being betrayed. I'm done being used and forgotten and broken. I'm done being hopeful and thinking anything good could ever happen to me.