Emotion

Fail

It's an insult to my intelligence, the way my mother talks to me.

I can't cope anymore.

She says I can't handle it on my own

In her own back handed way.

And that's how it feels; like a back handed slap

To my face

To my self confidence

All she does is add fuel to the fire.

The fire burns slowly

I forget about it

Then suddenly someone throws it fuel and it flares.

Then it consumes me.

All I feel is the flames licking against the walls of my mind

Nothing can extinguish it.

The water that should be used to quench it falls from my eyes.

And all I can do is wait for it to fizzle out.

That's how I feel- like I've fizzled out

Fallen from glory like a dependent child star

The fire is out, but the scorch marks remain

Unattainable expectations.

That's what my mum does.

Sets goals for me

Measures the fire by the scorch marks.

"But you used to be brilliant at maths."

Don't get me wrong, mostly she's fine.

But I'm beginning to see a pattern.

She gets angry when I state my opinion

When I argue my point not hers.

I'm not allowed to have my own voice.

My own opinions.

My own life.

It's hers. It's all hers.

She raises the hoops that I jump through

Until I have no choice but to disappoint.

Then she throws my own failure in my face.

"Well what are you going to do come next term when you're stressed?"

"I will not allow you to waste your life."

My life is mine to waste.

"What about your HSC? Will it all be fine then?"

I'm not so sure. Thanks for believing in me.

I thought family was meant to support.

Not make you feel like you're a failure.